failure

I am a failure.

I have failed my friends, my family, myself, my God.

I have betrayed more people than I can count, for my own purposes.

I am a liar, an adulterer, a fraud and a coward.

My biggest failure though? I fail to embrace my second chance.

I refuse to believe Jesus when He cries "It is finished".

Still I strive to prove myself, to stand out from the pack... to be known for my successes and to desperately hide my failures.

I have stopped believing that the cross is enough. I have tried to add another chapter to God's law. I heap these coals on those who observe me.

I am forgiven.

I am a forgiven failure.

I am going to fail again...

and again...

and again.

But I will be forgiven forever.

I will be free forever.

I am a free, forgiven failure.

That is better than being a success any day.

a story about peace

Do yourself a favor, open up a Bible. Go ahead, it will be worth it. Read John chapter 1 verses 1-18. Read it again.

And again.

And again.

Let it change you. Let perspective overcome you. It will be worth it, I promise. Untie some of the convoluted language. Take it plainly.

Let your heart rest in the reality that through Jesus the world came to be and through him the world is restored.

The whole of history, the drama that we live in, the trials and the tribulations of our lives all boil down to one simple truth.

Through Jesus the world came to be and through him the world is restored.

In Jesus is found life or as John puts it, "the light of man". We are unlit lanterns, Jesus is the match.

Through Jesus the world came to be and through him the world is restored.

As I read through the first few chapters of John this morning, I felt myself being unwound. Weeks of stress and weighty obligation began to lift and in its place came life giving perspective.

Through Jesus the world came to be and through him the world is restored.

The ridiculous simplicity of it all makes me want to chuckle at my last few days, days of stress and insecurity. Days in which I have felt all too important and all to unqualified.

Through Jesus the world came to be and through him the world is restored.

Throughout scripture Jesus will call me servant, worker, disciple, teacher and friend. All important roles, all carrying a certain degree of responsibility. But they never overrule a simple and life-giving truth;

Through Jesus the world came to be and through him the world is restored.

Rest in that truth friends. Remember who Jesus is. John calls him the "One and Only", other times he is called "the beginning and the End".

If we can slow down and make ourselves stop and dwell in that truth, it will change us. I am trying to allow it to change me. The weight of expectation can slip away. The ridiculous clamoring of doing everything right can finally begin to slow down. The guilt of what we have done and have not done can begin to look small in the light of Jesus.

So please, rest with me in a simple truth...

Through Jesus the world came to be and through him the world is restored.

tv can inspire

I want to create something.

I have been watching "Freaks and Geeks" lately. It's one of the best pieces of digital entertainment that I have ever seen. It is funny, heartfelt, awkward, it is just a pitch perfect show. Every once in awhile I see something that does more than entertain me, it actually makes me want to jump in and do something. Too often I think that we limit ourselves to thinking that we can only be inspired by some classic book or epic movie, "Freaks and Geeks" is just a high school dramady, but I feel creatively juiced by it. It makes me long for the nights when Patrick, Dylan, Aaron, Nick and Adam and I would just run a muck with video camera. I am sure much of what we created was unwatchable to many people, but some stuff was just plain good. I want to make something good again.

Any else ever feel like this?

nice guy

I have a confession to make... I am a nice guy. I say "thank you" often, I want to be helpful, I would prefer if none of you reading this never were offended by me and I will apologize for things that are not my fault. I like to be liked.

I also hold grudges when people can't tell that I am offended, dread conversations with people who might be upset with me, don't stand up and tell people to back off when they're wrong. I pretend everything is okay, even when it so very much not.

The funny thing about all of this though is that most people I really respect are not all like me. When I was a kid my heroes were Wolverine, Snake Eyes, the wrestler Ricky Steamboat, not exactly the greatest negotiators in the world! But they were just. They knew justice, they fought for justice. They sacrificed their safety what they knew to be right. As I got older I changed, but the heroes were just new versions of the same theme, replace the old list with Martian Luther King, Daredevil, Jesus Christ, William Wallace, again heroic people who are willing to lay out for justice. Sure, MLK and William Wallace practiced very different methods in their fight for freedom, but both risked in spite of their own relative comfort and both died at the hands of their oppressors. In fact the theme is the same throughout history, especially church history, some people need to step out of line and challenge the structures that oppress others and rob God his glory. This is how God uses people to change the world.

And I believe how God chooses to change our individual lives. Bus boycotts are heroic. So are blistering sermons against corrupt leadership. And so is swinging your sword in the right circumstances. I believe this is practiced everyday. When I choose to reconcile with a friend instead of just swallowing back my frustration, I think I am taking one step closer to becoming someone God can use. When I choose honesty instead of empty flattery, confession instead of justification, Godly conflict instead of avoidance... all of these are muscles that need to be developed.

These are the workouts that I am trying to practice. So invite all of my nice friends to join me. Are you also sick of having the desires of your hearts be so inconsistent with your day to day life? Do you feel like life should be an adventure and instead has become a chore? Let us join together is prayer that God can make us like his prophets, his people. Let us have the hard conversations and confrontations. Let us be radical in our love and forgiveness, but also in our honesty and forthrightness. People will get upset. Harmony will be shattered. But I also believe that our friendships will become deeper and our relationships will become more real. Is that worth it?

I'm betting that it is.

interesting

Each month I receive an issue of the videogame magazine Electronic Gaming Monthly. I enjoy the magazine not because I am a hardcore gamer, but more because it is well written, funny and offers a very in depth picture at an industry that is rapidly growing. One of the writers for this magazine is humorist by the name of Seanbaby. In the most recent issue, he is wrote a very funny article about the simply bad ideas that came out the E3 game show. One of these ideas that got the treatment from him was a Christian Worship rip-off of Dance, Dance Revolution, called Dance Praise. His quote concerning the game was; "In the end all I learned was that Christian anything sucks more than Regular anything. Which knowledge I think we all had before this ordeal of mine began". I would like to point out that Seanbaby's "ordeal" was pretty a heinous example of a Christian (or at least someone promoting a Christian game) being extremely defensive and judgmental, and I do not blame Seanbaby for his frustration. But that is not the point of this blog, what is the point of this blog; is Seanbaby correct? Is Christian art simply derivative drivel that insults the intelligence of its audience?

I am not sure. For the longest time I would avoid all Christian music like I avoid the Lifetime channel. It all seemed so phony. No one ever seemed to have any problems, and if they did have problems they all seemed to resolve the songs four minute runtime. Now, I do listen to it, mostly because I can relate to the theme of trusting an all-knowing God. However I must confess, that I have had to tone down some of my objective standards for musical quality to enter into the Christian music scene. With a few very notable exceptions, much of the music still rings hollow and a little disingenuous. Also some of it is just bad. I am not talking about lyrically and I am certainly not implying that I am offended by it. I mean it is simply low-quality pop, that is over-produced. But why is this? Shouldn't Christian music be the most vivid and the most honest music there is? When singing about an infinite God, shouldn't things to say be, well, infinite? When basing your life on Jesus, shouldn't your art be as edgy as he was? Wasn't he edgy enough to get himself killed?

A popular Seattle Christian music station brags about its music being non-offensive. I simply don't believe that is something to brag about. Jesus is offensive.

Let me repeat that, Jesus is offensive.

A living, breathing man saying he is God is an offensive concept.

A man who walks into churches and flips tables and drives people out by using chords as whips, is offensive.

A man who tells parables about comfortable, rich people going to hell for not taking care of the poor around them is offensive.

A man who tells you to get over yourself and that until you do your not fit for the Kingdom of God is offensive.

And if that offends us, it is time to get over ourselves.

Becky Manly Pippert is a popular Christian writer. I saw a video of hers where tells a story about telling a man on a plane that she is a Christian and him giving her a look implying that she as a result must not be very intelligent. This video was filmed in the 80's and I am not sure the intelligent piece is all that relevant anymore. Now I think it is about being interesting. I think it is the perception of the world and even the lie that Christians often believe about themselves, that the belief in Jesus makes us less interesting. That it is the work of God to remove everything that makes us unique and maybe controversial, in order to make us "good Christians". The lie is that God wants us to be "safe" and to "well-behaved".

Well I am sorry to say that is not what I signed up for.

When I relented to Jesus, it was because he was the most radical and scary thing I had ever encountered. And it is an insult to God simply try and "Christianize" the things around us. When we say yes to the freeing grace of God, our art and our lives should be the most vivid and real thing this world has ever seen. And I pray that by the grace of God that we get from wherever we're at, to that place soon.

Madrox

Last week I went to see X3 with Donan and Sean. Donan and I had seen it already, but Sean had not and it was being shown at our local cheap theater. I actually enjoyed the movie more the second time through, my nerdy qualms have mostly been dismissed. I however struggled more with one character than I did my first time through; Jaime Madrox, "Multiple Man".

As one can guess by the code name, Madrox is able to create duplicates of himself. No one is really sure how many he can create. In the movie, he uses these duplicates to rob banks and to fool the police into thinking they had found a giant mutant camp. That's it. That is all we get about my favorite comic hero of the moment (obviously, on film he is not heroic).

Madrox has he is portrayed in the comics, is infinitely more interesting. For one he is not a petty bank robber, but a hero. He leads a team called X-Factor, who function as a mutant private detective organization of sort. While teams like the X-Men focus on the global issues, X-Factor lives in a place called "Mutant Town", where less glamorous mutants live in a slum-like community. These are the people X-Factor serve. They rarely save the world, instead they save the forgotten and neglected members of their own minority population.

Madrox's power is also more interesting in the comics. While the movie gets it basically right, it leaves out all of the good questions that arise when you are truly a "Multiple Man". Madrox's dupes are not exact duplicates, they are actually physical representatives of his own personality. So one duplicate can be fool-hearty, but brave hero. Another, a complete coward. Still another, an over-sexed ladies man. When they return to Madrox they bring with them all of their experiences, memories and knowledge. One dupe became a lawyer. As a result of all of this extreme multi-tasking Madrox is one of the most intelligent people on earth. He also is an Olympic gymnast. He is a martial arts master. Not bad skills for a one man army! This comes at a cost though, he is borderline insane. He doesn't know what thoughts are his own. Some of his duplicates have done some villainous things. But what does that mean? Doesn't the evil that leads to those acts come from his own soul? And what happens when your power is to create duplicates, but you are not even sure if you can trust those duplicates?

Madrox is the reason that I love comic books. I have these same questions about myself. I can I long to do good, yet commit evil? How can I be drawn to things I view as wrong? How do I sometimes surprise myself by doing something brave? Just what is going on inside of me?! As Paul puts in Romans 7:15; "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate to do". I am a conflicted person, trying to do right, but often desiring and doing wrong.

In comics these questions can be given a dramatic platform to be asked in. In comics you can create Jaime Madrox, a normal and conflicted guy, trying to fight evil around him and inside of him at the same time. You can create a character capable of doing great good and great evil. You can create the most vividly human character that I have ever encountered in any form of fiction.

superman returns

A few days ago I saw Superman Returns and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was relevant to today, had top notch acting and a compelling cast of characters. The effects were done very well and the new Supes did a decent job (though at times he seemed to be doing a really good Christopher Reeve impression rather than putting his own spin on the character). The movie did make Superman's life a lot messier and I think the film is better off for it. The dude is so freakin powerful I want him to have daddy and relationship issues. I guess I am cynical. I am ready to finally admit that it was a LITTLE long, but in the theater I hardly noticed. I was in Metropolis and I think that is all that really matters.

a really good story

A couple of years ago, when I was still in school, a friend asked me an important question. To some degree it is the question that the rest of my life revolves around. It is a question that has determined my vocation, the major that I had in school, the decision to date and ultimately marry Donan. The question was, "so how does the whole Jesus dying on the cross thing work? How does that forgive sins?". I froze. I was ready to talk about Jesus' heart for the poor. I was ready to speak volumes about how Jesus doesn't belong to a political party. But this question? I truly was stunned that I had nothing to offer. I told my friend, one of the best friends that I have I might add, a jumbled bit of nothing. I think I rambled about the Jewish people having a system of sacrifice or something like it. And that was the end of the conversation.

As I reflect of this, I think it is too easy to say that I was scared, because to be honest I wasn't. I wasn't scared, like I said this is a really good friend of mine, no matter what I said that wasn't going to change. It is also to easy to say that I had been equipped to answer that question he would've been excited or accepted the answer, because me and this friend debate everything under the sun. The biggest problem is that I believe that the cross and the resurrection, are the most important events in human history. In those three days I believe that for the rest of time and whatever happens after time, we can know that God cares. We can be assured that we can spend time in God's presence. All of the doubts about our worth can be healed. Every question can be answered, every injustice can be reversed and our hearts can find the home that they have thumped in our chest for and longed for everyday since we left our mother's wombs. That is huge. That is really good news. I think it is important that I am able to articulate that, at least as well as I can articulate why Empire is the best Star Wars movie. So here it is, three years late I am going to try and answer my friend's question.

The bad news; all people, everywhere, anytime are sick. Really sick. It is why we fight wars. It is why we rape and murder. It is why we are jealous of each other, objectify each other, feel insecure, blow off each other and ultimately act wrong to each other. We also all are on some level aware of this sickness. We try and cure it with a lot of self-discipline, we try and justify it with humanism and we try and self-medicate by getting drunk and stoned until our heads finally shut up. But it doesn't work, ever. With this sickness our world and our hearts will never know peace. Ever.

This sickness separates us from God. This is the uncomfortable, but ultimately unavoidable reality of our condition. When we try and self-medicate or deny our condition, we are denying God and his power. We are choosing our own. And when we die (which we will, another part of this disease) this good God will not force Himself on us. We are truly sick and need healing to enter the presence of God. Our sickness, uncured will separate us from God. Forever.

Okay so the good news. God was and is not pleased with this reality. So he did something about it. He became a person, Jesus. He lived and taught a better way. The best way. He taught against a rigid and futile self-disciplined and proved it didn't achieve anything. He dwelt with the self medicators and showed them a freedom they never knew. Then he died. He died because as God, he knew that his very real death would work as an antibiotic for our soul sickness. That shed blood is necessary to change our lives, now and forever. Then something even more amazing happened, Jesus did the one thing no one had done since the sickness entered the world, he didn't stay dead. He rose again and told others that they could do the same.

Jesus died, so that we could live. Jesus died to offer us freedom for ourselves. Jesus died to clean the slate, to make us right with God and to give us freedom from our profound guilt. The only condition is to let Him lead us. Follow his way, to give up all of our little tricks and listen to him instead.

That is the answer to the question. That is the case the Bible makes and that is the reason I am who I am and live as I live. That is why I care about justice and care about this world. As the old creed goes;

"I did not make it, for it is making me. It is the very truth of God and not the creation of any man."


*The terms sickness and antibiotic are borrowed R. York Moore. I thank him for his help in articulation.

a quick thought

A Christian writer named Eugene Peterson holds to a belief that the act of worship is essential to people. That we are made for it and our lost without it. That our focus cannot leave ourselves and that we our enslaved to to our feelings of shame without worship that invites us to look out and see God and realize how ridiculous it is to ever suppose that we could make ourselves okay to begin with. In this process we find that we have immense value in the very fact that we matter to this infinite and amazing God. We also recognize how much we need God and our illusions of self-sufficiency begin to fade away.

I am dependent on this process. Without I begin to see myself as far too important and far too much of a failure. I lose my ability to see God and to be astonished at who He is. The world becomes about me and I become very depressed indeed.

I think maybe this is why I am a Christian. Without worship my life spirals out of control. Worship is north on my compass (so I have never actually used a compass, but people who do seem to find it terribly important). I can only worship something that I truly believe to be greater than I can ever strive to be, which is why human heroes always fell short. This left God. A God who cares and a God who allows Himself to be accessible.

I think I am being called to get back to the simplicity of my younger faith. God is good. Worship is something that He deserves and brings me great satisfaction to do. Inviting others into this life is good is good for both parties.

This seems simple and to be honest is not a complete theology, but I think this is all I can truly cling to in this moment.

Worship is maybe the only truly free thing I do. Maybe that is why Eugene Peterson argues for its importance.

Thoughts?

my thoughts on brokenness

A couple of days ago I posed a question about why my church placed the most famous failures of Peter and Paul on their stained glass. Here are my thoughts a to why and what that means about the Christian faith.

First I considered that maybe the inclusion of the rooster and of the scales are an example of a society that loves to tear down its heroes. Think about it, we love the National Enquirer, more people know about John F. Kennedy's relationship with Marilyn Monroe than his civil rights bills, we love to see heroes fall. So maybe these windows are just an example of that morbid fascination with failure. Maybe the mistakes of these men make us feel better about ourselves. Maybe those who installed the glass found Peter and Paul easier to relate to than Jesus, with all of his being God and such.

I cannot deny this train of thought outright, it is too intriguing and has an element of truth in it. It does comfort me (as I am sure many others) that Peter and Paul were people and that there was no attempt to hide this by either the early church or my own church. What I do reject though, is the modern cynicism that revels in their failures as some attempt to justify myself. The failures of humans cannot be something voyeristically fascinating for a Christian. Peter and Paul cannot become ancient Brad Pitt's or Ricky Williams', they need to be our models. Try as we might, perfection is not something that we are going to stumble upon or cultivate with rigid discipline. Our mistakes stay with us, follow us, hound us and mock us. The answer to this dilemma that I often see in our culture is to revel in and celebrate these failures. If you struggle with lust the answer I hear is; "Great! It is your natural nature, don't deny yourself!", if you are liar, the response seems to be; "What is truth anyway?". I think the response to these thoughts are displayed in those windows, your mistakes to matter, those scars remain.

Of course this is not the only response we have to our failings. There are also those who take every mistake as evidence that they should never again try or never again step out. If we are a generation that is marked by being great justifiers, we are also a generation that feels profoundly guilty, that is essentially not able to believe our own bullshit. Deep down, everyone I know, Christian, Buddhist, Agnostic, atheist or other, is riddled with a profound sense of guilt. Whether our exterior is marked with our intense discipline, or if we wear our hair long and our tattoos proudly, we are all unified by our shame. Their is a seemingly universally unsettled nature within us that counts our failures and we are internally mocked by them.

Here is where I once again find hope in the glass. Peter was a coward. A man who was so bold that he stepped out onto the water with Jesus, yet was so fearful that he hid with shame his affiliation with Jesus from a slave girl. Had he allowed guilt to dismiss himself from service to the early church, then the church would've suffered a great leadership vacuum. Instead he excepted the grace offered to him by a resurrected Jesus and stepped with boldness as a leader. He was what Henri Nouwen would describe as a "wounded healer". A man who had a well-known and shameful past, but represented Jesus by living as a free man. He was not shackled to his failings, thus people saw Jesus in him. I like to think that fearful people were the ones most drawn to him. That rooster is a picture not only of the man that Peter was, but also the gospel truth that we can become more than slaves to ourselves, that there is hope for even the most broken among us.

I wonder what would be on my own stained glass. What failings of mine, past and present would be up there? I also wonder whether I have accepted Jesus' invitation to reject justifying my acts and to reject guilt. This freedom is the most counter-cultural invitation that has ever been offered. It is simply my prayer that I would accept it and begin to live.

Still in Madison

Still in Madison, and feeling a bit tired. I have an idea for a blog topic, but since I am too tired to write about it, I thought that I would just leave it as a question, then fill in my ideas tomorrow.

At my church we have some amazing stained glass. The Prodigal Son is depicted. So is Jesus. However, my favorite two windows are the one depicting Peter and Paul. Peter and Paul are the two most influential fathers of Christianity whose names aren't "Jesus". In these windows these two giants of faith look distinguished and wise. These are worthy depictions of two strong and heroic men. The actual pictures of them don't really interest me though, it is what else is on their windows. Peter has a rooster on his window, an illusion to his three denials of Jesus before the coming of morning. Paul has three scales (like that of a lizard) on his window, representing the scales that fell from his eyes when his Jesus caused blindness was healed.

Why? Why do these windows depict the most famous failing of these men? Why choose to display Peter's most cowardice moment? Why show Paul's spiritual blindness?

Why are those images so compelling?

Please respond.

ONS Day 2

So this is going to be another short blog. The problem is that they are keeping us quite busy here, so I am pretty wiped come bloggy time.

God is doing some really good stuff. For those of you in the know, I have had a long journey to this conference and going on staff in general. So much trust has been restored to me this week. I am falling in love with IV again.

I will elaborate more later. This is a good place and I glad to be here. I will try and give an update tomorrow.

Hopefully.

Madison, WI

I have arrived at Orientation for New Staff, here in Madison, WI. For those of you not familiar with InterVarsity speak, basically I am receiving my introductory training on staff work and fund development for the next week and a half. Should be fun. I have already met staff from around the country, which is pretty cool. My hotel is pretty swanky, and definitely more roomy than my tent or the back of the car.

I will write with more substance later, I have dinner coming up and I would like to turn my brain off for a little while.

Peace.

June 18th
Bismarck, ND

Sorry for the long gap in writing, I have one blog that didn't post and one on the hard drive that won't paste. Keep your eyes open for that one.

My impressions on my travels so far are like this:

• Wyoming is beautiful. Literally is one of the most awe-inspiring states I have ever visited.
  
• Montana is pretty in spots, but once you get east it gets pretty ugly.
• North Dakota is pretty much like Eastern Montana. Except for the Badlands. WOW. The Badlands should be required viewing for everyone, everywhere

Listened to a book on tape about Vince Lombardi. Amazing coach, amazing drive, personally terrifying to see the cost on a family when a man makes his work his mistress. I appreciate his heart and even his theology (he was appalled by self-focused thought and believed that the point of scripture was to see how we as a community of people are to relate to God. Ultimately this is why he loved team sports), but when he died it was his players, not his children who knew him best. Tragic.

Spiritual musings have been mostly focused on the role of criticism within Christianity. What do you do with your critical mind when you become a Christian? Are you supposed to turn it off in the name of "humility"? Can you ever call a fellow Christian wrong? How do you know when you should critically evaluate someone else's leadership and when you should just humbly receive their teaching? Is their a way to actually do both?

No answers yet. My gut tells me I still need to be critical and yet somehow remain teachable. The problem is I am usually a doormat when I am teachable and a pain in the ass when I am critical. Which I guess reminds me I need Jesus.

Hopefully deeper insights are coming.

I think that I am going to sign off for now, I am worried about this posting, and I don't want to re-type too much, see you in Minnesota!

My Grand Plan

So I realize that I am the greatest of all blogging slackers lately. As a a result of my recent suck-a-tude I am going to attempt to make amends to all two of my faithful readers, I am going to do a road log. I am going to be traveling for the next month. I will be spending a week on a High School mission trip in Wyoming, a week and a half in Madison, Wisconsin getting learned by InterVarsity and about a week and half seeing Donan's family. I will be driving the whole time (in the new wheels...yeah). During my travels I am going to take some time every night to record my observations and points of curiosity (I am anticipating a lot of curiosities while traveling through Montana...). I can not promise to post everyday because there are like two wireless hotspots in Wyoming and Montana combined, but once I reach the Midwest, I will post everything.

Much love, hope inspiration finds me on the open road.

I know, I know, long time and no bloggy, I am slacker. I also can guarantee that it will be more than two weeks before I am back in the blogging game. I am going to an urban mission project named Summit. I am very excited to be back in the staff game and will update when I get back.

Reflection on a Concert

I just got back from watching a buddy of mine's band, Ether Hour (myspace them and buy their CD). The show was great. They sounded smooth, people were responding, the band was chatty with the crowd everything that a quality live show has.

Then the lead singer forgot some lyrics.

My favorite part of the show. I love quality mixed with a dash imperfection.

Happy Easter!

Fear

No, no, this blog will not be about the short lived MTV reality series about ghost hunting. This will actually be about fear. The kind of fear that paralyzes you. The kind of fear forces you to put up defenses. The kind of fear that slowly takes over your life, even without your conscious knowledge and leaves feel slightly dead and empty.

And hopefully this blog will be about how great it is to wake up from it and start to live again.

Last month I went and gave a chapel talk at the Christian high school that I graduated from. It is always an odd experience walking those halls and seeing kids yelling in the halls and slamming their locker doors. High school, for me, like most others, was a confusing and somewhat difficult time. I didn't really know who I was, what I believed or what the hell I was going to do after I graduated. I honestly believed that everyone else had it together and I was just faking it. So I became many different people while I was there; the jock who didn't actually play in sports, the preppy who didn't want to iron his clothes, and eventually I graduated as the funny, sarcastic guy who didn't really believe in anything. So I decided to speak on this period of my life and eventually how I found who I really was in Jesus.

I was set. I had written my talk ahead of time (a true feat for me!). So the night before when I practiced it for my parents, I knew that it was going to go well and that all of my former teachers would have no choice but to adore me. So I practiced the talk and my parents did enjoy it. They laughed when they were supposed to laugh, they gave sympathetic nods when they were supposed to sympathetically nod. Everything was great except the fact that I hated the talk. Loathed it. Threw away the outline hated it.

That night I left my parents house having no idea what had gone wrong, what was so bad about the talk? I went and drank coffee and prayed (two things that go amazingly well together) and felt God tell me not to be a clown.

A clown?

I was at first a little angry. I am most certainly not a clown. Right? Right? Maybe I am not. Most of the time. But the more I prayed and reflected, I realized that I am indeed very clown like when I feel the need to protect myself. At my high school, with all of those former teachers watching, in the gym where I used to agonize where the "right" place to sit was, I had become a clown. I had decided to not speak with conviction about the great value of following Jesus, but instead to speak on my sense of humor. To make fun of myself and then smile a dimpled smile and hope that no one noticed that I was not living out this great identity that I was speaking about.

So when I gave the talk I tried to be honest and direct. I still made jokes, but stopped apologizing about the fact that falling Jesus is counter-cultural and can be hard. I choose to face my fears and step out in belief that doing the will of God is better than making 200 high school kids and a handful of teachers like me.

God has not let up in this whole fear thing. He has pushed me to be more faithful and stop apologizing about fundraising. He has pushed me to re-establish friendships with people I have lost touch with. He has asked me to call out the sin I see in myself and in those around me. Specifically He has challenged me to actually teach and lead and care a lot more about His will then making everyone my biggest fan.

It is so freeing.

My palms have been sweaty. I have pushed send on emails and had the thought "what did I just do?". But it has felt like freedom.

Too often I think that all of us, Christian and non-Christian alike live as though Jesus called us to Bake Sales and Sunday morning sermons. That the greatest challenge that we will ever face is trying think "pure thoughts" in a fallen world. Yet when we actually read and react to the challenges that Jesus lays before us, we see that Jesus calls to nothing less than to partner with Him to save the entire world. To risk a lot more than funny looks and the occasional strained friendship.

This in not the first time in my life that fear has stopped all of my momentum. But the reality is that when I have sought Jesus and been willing to follow Him in the places that scare me most, my life has been the most exciting and costly times of my life.

They have also been the times I have felt most alive.

Whatdya know? This is a little creepy... Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal. You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk. You should major in: Philosophy Music Theology Art History Foreign language

What Should You Major In?

I'm not entirely sure how I got here. It's an odd experience being on a strange street corner with no recollection as to the details of your arrival. I feel like I should be more worried about this, and maybe I will be once I am able to figure out where I have arrived. It looks kind of like every street corner I have ever been on. It has buildings, shops, people, the occasional car zipping by. There are differences though, not differences that are overly striking at first glance, just minor differences that serve to remind you that this no ordinary street corner.

Like at any street corner I can see what is front of me, to the left of me and to the right. I even can see behind me, but I can only presume I came from that way, so somehow that seems less interesting. In front of me looks vaguely like a scene from movie filmed in Chicago. I can see the "L" in the distance, there a pizza stands littering the side of the road and (I'll admit this is a little strange) when I stare long enough, I swear I can hear the most amazing Blues that has ever been played.

When I look to the left, it seems as though I am back in China. Now believe me on this, I am not talking about Chinatown here. There is not a sign in English to be found (though, at the risk of overusing the word, I stangly can read the Mandarin signs, this trick fooled me into thinking for a moment that they were indeed in English). Where on the Chicago street there were some little carts for pizza, this street was literally littered with carts, all smelling delicious I might add (apparently I not only have the ability to hear extremely well and read new languages, but my sense of smell has also been greatly aided). The men are riding quickly on their bikes, the children are playing soccer on the street and I am feeling something pull me over there. I fight the urge though, I still have another street to look down.

When looking the right, I didn't even need to stare before my super hearing kicked in. As soon as my eyes even glanced down that street my ears were filled with salsa (I might add that my hips were enjoying the salsa as well). What was odd is that this street, didn't really look like a street. It was actually a family farm, with a hot, but inviting sun beating down. Children were laughing, playing and dancing to this incredible music. The father was on a grill cooking up some asada, the mother was stirring something on a pot. An old grizzled man was strumming a Spanish guitar and singing with a raspy, yet beautifully worn voice. As I focused on this old man the blaring salsa disappeared. All I could hear was his voice and sparse chords of the guitar. He was singing in Spanish, but the longer I listened the more I was able to discern his words;

"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound"

With all of my heart I wanted to go down that street, but my thoughts and my insecurities betrayed me. That family seemed too perfect, too, too, oh this seems like the right word I guess, too home. I would feel like an intruder. So with that raspy voice still ringing in my ears I walked into Chicago.

to be continued...