Monday, August 01, 2005

Time

"For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven"
-Ecclesiastes 3:1

My least favorite question to answer; "So what's been up with you lately?". How am I supposed to answer that? What is this person really looking for? I can give a list of things, though I will be the first to admit, that list will hardly be exciting ("got a cat, went grocery shopping, watched a movie, huh, did I mention the cat?"). Or I could actually unbear my soul, which in my experience few people are actually looking for. Give me specifics, I say, because right now, I am not sure that I actually have the capacity for vague.

So why this little rant? Well I will give you the short answer first, I have a lot of emailing and calling to do. I am very behind on the simple art of communicating with my friends. I slightly intimidating place to be. Emailing maybe the worst. In one email I want to communicate everything that is going on, all the surfacy stuff and all the internal struggles. Oh and my pride wants to of course do this while still looking good. That is really the killer. I still want to appear to have it all together. So I write emails, that technically have nothing that can be called a "lie", but is still miles away from honest. The more behind I get, the more I feel this tension.

Of course the above is simply the surface, the more core stuff really goes something like this; is my life really interesting enough to talk about? I mean, I live the same place I have for the last six years. I am still volunteering with InterVarsity and working at a gas station. It's true that I just got married, which I love, but find very difficult to explain to people. Living with someone you love is great and also a huge adjustment. The problem is though, the more that I fall in love with my home life with Donan, the more I long for more in my daily life. The fact is, I miss school. I miss creating things, even if they are only essays. I miss the radio show I did with friends. My life feels a lot like a trailer for a movie; "Coming soon, Jeremiah gets on staff with InterVarsity, finds a creative output, and stops talking about justice issues, to do something about them". Great, but I still feel a little stuck in neutral.

I quoted Ecclesiastes earlier because I know that it is true. I know that life has many seasons and that this is one of them. Just like going to Chicago was a season. Or China another one. However, its hard not to wonder sometimes if I missed an on-ramp that Jesus gave me. Or that the way I feel now isn't the weather changing, if I can beat the death out of the seasonal analogy. Or, most likely I still have a lot to learn about patience and endurance.

So how am I doing? Well, like everyone else I am stuck between where I was and where I am going. That's kind of hard. It's difficult not to look back and think that was the ideal, or not paint the future out to be some kind of celebration of all of my desires. Something is getting shook up in my soul. So I'll take that.

Check your inbox. I really will be writing soon.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jeremy(iah),
I know what you mean man. I feel at the crossroads myself. Looking forward to deep philisophical discussions on the linx next weekend. Late.
Mr. J

Paul said...

where's my email???

Anonymous said...

I don't think he emails anymore.

Jeremiah said...

anonymous-
Reveal yourself!

Anonymous said...

anonymous = Mr. J
Do the math, you know who it is.