grace

November 2009 was ten years since I made a decision to be a follower of Jesus. In these past ten years I have studied scripture, prayed, been taught and taught others. I was a student leader with InterVarsity, then an intern, then a campus volunteer and now am a staff. I have worked on two campuses with over 100 students. I have had blinders removed concerning social justice, racial reconciliation, worship and global mission. I have embraced the life-long challenge of separating my cultural biases from the gospel. My beliefs have brought me great joy. In worship I have experienced God in ways that are more intimate then I ever dreamed possible. I have been in environments of prayer where prophesy has been spoken that I am sure is from God and I have seen come to fruition. I have experienced students being transformed from hostility towards Jesus, do being radically inspired disciples.

Ten years I ago I was part of a very small, very two-dimensional world. Now, I am part of a very large, very three-dimensional world.

Yet I am not sure that I understand anything more about grace.

Grace, the belief that through Jesus all can be forgiven. The belief that there is an unearned and undeserved power in the world that flips on its head our understanding of guilt and innocence. Belief in the grace of Jesus is central to understanding Jesus. It is by grace that the author enters his story. It is by grace that he dwells. It is by grace that he heals. It is by grace that he dies. It is by grace that he resurrects and establishes a new creation. This creation is one that all can share in and be transformed by, regardless of past and future transgressions. Jesus is grace (and truth) incarnate and he is the firstborn of all creation. Grace extends all the way back before time and extends all the way forward into eternity.

I understand grace enough to write about it. But I consistently fail to embody it.

I know I cannot earn God's love, but instead of finding freedom and peace in that reality I allow myself to be consumed with guilt. I am guilty for what I have done, thought, will do and will think.

Like Adam and Eve I am tempted to be "like God". I want to prove that I can stand with the one with whom no one can stand. I want to pay back one who has already eliminated the debt.

I am bitter against those who do live as idolatrous to perfection as I do. I question their character, instead of my own health.

I never feel like I have done or am doing enough.

I forget that I am the only one who is ever shocked when I fail. God is not shocked. Donan is not shocked. My staff partners are not shocked. My students are not shocked.

In the fleeting moments that I understand grace the freedom is unbelievable. It is not the freedom of one that doesn't believe their actions have moral consequence, that is not freedom at all. It is the freedom of one who sees clearly the value of life, the value of the kingdom and the value of Jesus' incarnation and resurrection. It is the freedom of one who is without fear and guilt. It is the freedom of only knowing hope and gratitude.

I wonder what it would be like to live in that truth all day, everyday?

Finally, here is my favorite verse or my favorite hymn "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing". Not shockingly, this hymn says what I am thinking better and more concisely then I am able.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.