No I love grocery store food. Hot Tamales. Cool Ranch Chips. Deschutes Brewery Seasonals. Even some Top Ramen (but only with some Sriracha and hoisin sauce. I'm no savage). Basically, I love carbs and sugar. And your probably do to.
However, for as long as I remember I have had some...um...gastrointestinal issues. Sometimes minor, sometimes "stay home from work and sit in the fetal position begging for a fart". Sub-optimal.
I've tried stuff. I have (mostly) bailed on dairy. I was Paleo for a bit. I was gluten free for awhile. Intentional eating usually helps, but not really. My standard stomach's issues always seem to return. This leads to a pattern of trying something new, getting pretty militant about it, then encountered old fashioned pain and back-sliding into normal eating. After all, if an expensive Annie's Natural diet isn't going to help, store brand sugar is better-tasting and cheaper. No-brainer.
About a year ago I went to Seattle for a Sounders game and some time with friends. I ate HARD. Hot Dogs outside of C-Link? How about two. Beer? Did I mention it was a Sounders game? Pizza? Every Friday night with Bremerton family (all-meat, fire oven). As I drove back on Sunday with the familiar bowling ball in stomach I wondered if I should keep looking for something better, cause driving through Eastern Washington needing to birth a pizza-stadium dog-dark beer-baby is only about 132% as bad as it sounds.
Around Vantage I had the insane fever dream idea to try being a Vegan. Vegan? Why not? I already was usually off diary (the pizza baby was an exception. I swear). Being a vegan was going to only require not eating meat.
Meat.
Asada. Crispy Chicken Sandwiches. Buffalo Chicken. Pepperoni.
Okay, maybe this was going to be really, really hard.
But I militantly did it for about 4 months. Super clean. No bacon with the hash browns. Fajitas without chicken. I ate something called bulger. Not burger...bulger. I still don't know what that is. But I cooked it. Excellently.
And I felt great. So good. Even after the honeymoon period. Tried some meat (it was a brat at a BBQ) and I felt like a gained 15 pounds (the baby was back). So I didn't do that again. Donan suggested fish. Felt great! Tried again...felt terrible. Someone reminded me about eggs in tarter sauce. Tried fish again...and it was all good!
So I think I am a "Pesca-Vegan", but I cannot call myself that I like who I am. Technically, most days I don't meat, cheese, eggs or diary. But sometimes I eat fish and chips. And sometimes I go someones house and they wave cookies in my face and I eat a few. Or a dozen.
This is a quick guide for being a profoundly unhealthy eater who eats a niche diet. I weigh 220 pounds. Most vegan's don't. At least most vegan's who blog about don't. So here is what I have learned.
Reasons to be a Vegan:
- Ethically-Opposed to Eating Animals: I am not one of you, but I see you. Fight the good fight. Eat your conscious. Know this though...I feel so inadequate around you. If there was a pill that would allow me to eat a double bacon cheeseburger with pepper jack cheese, deep fried jalapenos on a pretzel bun that had been lathered in butter I would sell my car for it. Can we still be cool?
- Social Justice Reasons: I respect you even more than number 1.
- Trying to lose weight. Stop it. Meat doesn't make you fat. If I could swap some beef jerky into my diet I could cut some noodle weight easily. Stop eating ice cream, keep eating meat.
- Your Doctor told you too: Living is better than the above mentioned cheeseburger.
- Save Money: Unless you eat meat 12 meals a week and ear gourmet ice cream every evening being vegan isn't going to save you money.
- Don't eat meat: Relatively easy. Meat doesn't hide in things. Meat isn't a character actor who you missed in a movie. It Robert Downey Jr chewing up every scene. It is no one's co-star.
- Don't eat dairy: Hard. My parents were cleaning their garage and found black mold hiding in one of the walls. Probably been there 10 years. In the walls where no one can see it. Growing. Destroying stuff. Maybe making them sick. Butter is black mold. It is hiding in everything. If you want to be a "good vegan" you will never eat a pastry you don't cook. The good news is that no one is actually keeping score.
- Don't eat eggs: You know how comics need to create metals like adamantium and vibranium because real metals aren't hard enough to withstand a punch from the Hulk? That is how hard it is to give up eggs. Remember what I said about butter? Same with eggs. But add every batter you love. Or just go out to breakfast. Find something you can eat. Then find something you WANT to eat. Not eating eggs sucks. When the mythical pill is released, I am going to scramble a dozen eggs and slice some bacon up and eat every square inch.
How to exist as a Vegan:
- Sauces: Sriracha and BBQ sauce will save your life. They have two special powers: first, they mask new and unfamiliar flavors (like bulger!) and secondly, they taste like things you used to eat. If you are going to go from a drive-thru habit to vegan, bland food will derail you in a week. Make NO bland food. Turn the flavor UP.
- Learn to cook Tofu: without protein you will sleepwalk to winco and wake up next two four empty beef jerky packages. You probably eat way more protein than you need right now. That is going to be an adjustment. Peanut butter will help, but your probably don't want to gain 10 pounds your first week off of meat. Tofu tastes like nothing. You get to make it taste good. Corn meal with help. Fry it in some oil. Or cook it in some soy sauce and sriracha. Learn to cook it.
- Take it easy: unless you think meat is murder or you have some allergies that will immediately kill you, don't be afraid to let some contraband sneak past the goalie. Did that cookie have some egg and butter in it? Probably. Did that curry get cooked in chicken broth. Maybe...but is it good? Are you in the middle of a 300 mile drive and you need some chicken nuggets? I am not one to judge.
- Order off the appetizer menu: your friends and family want to eat at restaurants. Foodies will take you places where the vegan options are phenomenal. Fresh veggies that are seasoned and prepared perfectly. Fresh, hot, pipping bread. Did I mention curry? You miss NOTHING with veggie curry. But if you aren't eating with Joel, you are going to end up at Applebee's. Your options are going to be green salad or green salad. Or....you can order a couple of appetizers. Onion Rings (yes, the batter has eggs. Get over it.) or chips and salsa, or pretzel sticks, or something else that is deep fried and amazing.
- Noodles, frozen veggies and sauce: trade off between marinara or soy sauce. If you go with red sauce, throw in some fresh garlic and basil. You feeling soy? Great, add some peanut butter, lime juice and hot sauce. This is called "lunch" and it costs about the same as a turkey sandwhich and chips.
- Pick your cheats: my favorite food is Pho'. I will endure Pho' without meat, but I am not going to eat vegetable broth. And you shouldn't either. I eat some fish now. Hot Tamales may or may not have gelatin, which may or may not be made from horse hooves. I sleep fine at night.
How to Behave as a Vegan:
- Bring your own Food: No friend, family member or camp should ever have to cook for you. Bring stuff. Be happy if someone actually cooked for you.
- Assume most people don't care that you are a vegan: because they don't.
- Make meat for people when they come over to your house: don't host a bbq and serve people tofu. Or your "special cookies". Your taste buds change over time. Be nice to people you claim to like.
No I will leave. And by leave I mean eat homemade curry, coconut rice and drink a citrus IPA. Never cheat on flavor and you will be fine.
