"I am just not happy right now. I haven't been for awhile"
I couldn't believe I was saying those words out loud. Even as I said them to Donan, I felt like I needed to stop. Those are bad words. Those are not the words that she wants to hear. Not the words that I want to hear. Not how I am supposed to feel. Being unhappy is not allowed for me.
I have spent a good chunk of my life not happy. My junior high years were very rough. My shyness was so crippling that I had very few friends. I strongly disliked myself, mostly my body. Like most kids that age, I always felt like everyone else around me got the joke and I was lagging behind. My general funk got so crippling that my grades became dangerously low. My parents became worried enough that they asked me if I wanted to go to a smaller private school.
High school had been where the fog began to lift. I took high school as an opportunity to reinvent myself (or would "re-brand" be a more relevant term?). The process was clumsy. I still rarely felt like I was in step with those around me, but I was closer. I was listening to the right music and wearing the right clothes. I also learned how to cynically dismiss endeavors that I was not gifted at (sports teams, mostly). I was able to build a community of friends and even upgrade occasionally to more socially acceptable friends.
But was I happy? More so than before. I was still haunted by comparison with more socially able and athletically gifted friends, but like most teens, it was amazing to have even a few people to sort through life with.
Going into college, I had no grand plan to re-brand myself. Quite the opposite actually, I strived to hold on tightly to the friendships that I had established in high school. I would room with a high school friend, keep my high school girlfriend and in no way risk falling back into the junior high abyss of loneliness.
If you know me, then you know where this story is heading. My high school friend left first semester (though he would return, graduate and is now quite successful) and my relationship wouldn't make it until Christmas. I did however, make the most significant life change imaginable, I decided to follow Jesus.
To this point, my view of happiness was usually dictated by my relational networks. The more alone I was, the more unhappy I was. Relationships were my lifeline. I drowned without them. Deciding to follow Jesus changed the script. Rather than external relationships, I was compelled to seek out the promise of internal change and a focus seeing God's Kingdom in the world. In short, I was seeking purpose more than relationships.
So...did it make me happy? Actually, yes! Like many converts I got my share of "what happened to you?" comments(I am pretty sure that most were meant in a positive manner). I passionately began leading bible studies and participating in mission. Now I had my fair share of angst, but I can say without hesitation that following Jesus in college was a more vibrant and alive period of my life than any time that preceded it. As an added bonus, I gained (and maintained) many relationships in the midst of it all. I had more peace internally (Jesus!), more purpose externally (the Kingdom) and more people to walk through life with than ever before (community). The mix seemed perfect.
I now work with college students, hoping that they will experience the same transformation with Jesus, His Kingdom and community that I did. It's been 10 years since I graduated. My whole life has been shaped by a little Bible study in Stephenson North in the fall of 1999. No regrets. I love my job. This transformation in my passion.
So why then, in 2013 do I feel more like the lonely junior higher than the wide-eyed college student?
Honestly, I have no idea.
Am I working too hard? (maybe, but hours have rarely bothered me)
Do I need a vacation? (yeah)
Do I have some undiagnosed medical malady (possible)
Am I 9 months into a new job and not know what I am doing? (true and oddly specific)
Trust me, since I finally admitted to being unhappy I have spent many hours trying to self-diagnose. Sometimes I feel like I am especially prone to spiritual hypochondria. As I have been digging into scripture though, I have begun to wonder if my fundamental question is actually wrong. I have been asking, "why am I not happy?". The reality is that is very close to an unanswerable question. I didn't decide to follow Jesus to become happy, I chose to follow Jesus because I became convinced that He was God and that He wanted me to follow Him. Did I have expectations on how that would effect me feelings? Sure, but when you feel like you are encountering the supernatural God it is difficult to dictate terms.
I think the question that scripture has been pointing me towards is, "why do I think that I am not allowed to be unhappy?".
When I think about my unhappiness, I don't generally ask "what's wrong?", but instead "what's wrong with me?". Being unhappy makes me feel like a hypocrite. Makes me feel like a fraud. My emotional state so vastly improved upon becoming a Christian, that unhappiness makes me feel like something is wrong with faith life.
Somehow, somewhere inside of me saying "I am not happy", became akin to not believing in Jesus anymore.
Can you see the danger in this?
If following Jesus is synonymous with happiness, then it's just a short road to Christians needing to be the most put together people in the room. They need to be successful, their kids need to be clean and their attitude needs always remain upbeat and pure. In fact, as I look back on the last several months I can see how I attempted to control all of these areas of my life. If I couldn't be happy, I could at least look like a Christian should.
In the face of this though, I come to the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7). Even if you haven't studied or read these chapters, you kinda know them. Love your enemies? In there. Don't judge? Yup. Turn the other cheek? You betcha. This sermon is Jesus' introduction to the Kingdom and what Kingdom living looks like. It is beautiful, fierce and completely upside down. No one is excluded from the hope it offers or its fierce correction.
And Jesus begins with a simple phrase: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven".
I will not get into all the different definitions of "poor in spirit" and give then one that I find most accurate; the spiritually bankrupt.
Now I don't think being spiritually bankrupt is a goal, but I do think that Jesus is saying that spiritually bankruptcy doesn't disappoint or scare off Jesus. In fact, I believe is saying that the Kingdom He is building is for people that are emptied out.
I know that this is a cliche for many of us, but how many times have you gone to church empty, tired, doubting and just barely holding on and felt out of place among the smiling happy people? How is it that Jesus says church should be where you feel at home?
As I take into account my present unhappiness, my unhealthy coping and scripture, I wonder how long I have been a false happy face making people just as spiritually bankrupt as me feel like they don't belong? It's one thing to complain that church (or InterVarsity chapters...) are fake, it's another to rebelliously be real. Especially when being honest feels exhausting and you are constantly wondering "what's wrong with me?".
I have been amazed how much of a relief it has been to not try and be happy, and how freeing has been to see that attempts to rebuild happiness are often antithetical to Christian faithfulness.
This is a long post. I think I will stop. I have more to say. I suppose that the point of blogging is that you don't have to say it all at once. I will try to remember to keep up blogging. If you read this all, thank you. I mean it.
