knowing

In the church we talk about discerning God's will for our lives. Often times we view discovering your "calling" to be the highest end of faith. You can't stop a Christian who knows what she should be doing!

This quest is a good one in many ways. After all, I don't think anyone is really going to argue that purposed, directed life is more pleasant that aimless wandering. I think that living for something bigger than yourself will ultimately trump just doing the next thing blindly till you die.

I do, however, worry that this quest to "know" is in some ways a dangerous one. It seems for me, knowing that I am pursuing my calling can leave me ill-equipped for hard times.

"But I thought knowing was supposed to make things easier?"

"Doesn't pursuing my calling mean that I am going to be taken care of physically, spiritually and economically?"

What is the good of "knowing" if knowing doesn't create a list of guarantees?

This mentality also leads me to endlessly try and interpret what circumstances mean. I am constantly trying to control my life and my God by knowing what a bad fundraising month, a great campus bible study, a broken ankle, a great date with Donan, or an agonizing fight mean. Everything has to have a larger context...right? Isn't the ability to make sense of life the whole point of being a Christian?

Actually, no.

Job was caught in the middle of an argument between God and the Devil. Did he get to know the larger context? No.

Abram endured years and years (and years) of promises from God that he would be a great nation. Why did God wait years to fulfill that promise? Because He did. Everything else is conjecture and speculation.

Jews (mostly) in the early part of the first century got to experience the glory of God in the flesh. Those born twenty years early didn't.

God's name is ultimately "I am who I am" and "I am" does what He does.

And that reality drives me crazy. I want God to answer to me. I want God to tell me why. I want him to give me divine interpretation for the times that I am in. And when he is done telling me why my life is what it is like, then I want him to go ahead a let me in how to best understand atonement, let me know if free will exists, whether or not there was a second shooter on the Grassy Knoll and whether or not debates about evolution or politics really matter.

He stubbornly refuses these requests.

Because I am not God.

He doesn't answer to me.

Or to you.

Or to Job.

Or to Abram.

Or to those who seemingly were born 20 years too early (or too late).

So what does God promise?

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34

Freedom.

I need freedom from knowing.

I need freedom expecting God to tell me why he does.

I need freedom from the belief that my value is directly related to how well I can answer questions; internally and externally.

God can provide for himself, the rest of us our dependent. That reality is either the terror we will run from and hide from for the rest of our days or the freedom that will set us free.

Oh God, I need to be free.