sometimes you just need to yell at God during a thunderstorm

Prayer is really weird.

Best I can tell, if God doesn't exist I am going to have spent thousands of years of my life talking to:

• my hands
• the inside of my eyelids
• car windshields
• hot coffee/tea
• walls
• my bible

...and tonight a thunderstorm. 

If God is real though, I will have spent such a small portion of my life talking to and listening to the only one who matters. 

Either way (talking to inanimate objects or the author of everything ever) it seems dumb how sanitized my prayers are. If I am usually praying to a windshield, I doubt that the windshield cares much about my diction or whether or not I use some salty language. I cannot fathom that my coffee cup cares if my laments make sense, or if they are petty. 

I also cannot really see how God would care either. 

Don't get me wrong, I am quite sure that God cares that I pray and the content of my prayers. I am just not sure that God is easily offended or turned off by the content of the prayers. If God really is the author, he is in the heads of his characters. I am already known. "Thou's", "oughts" aren't going to fool him. Neither are worthless and meaningless platitudes like, "but I know you care". I am sure he does, but when I am uttering that line, I rarely believe he does. Who wants a God who is so easily buttered up? 

This week, my small group is supposed to be working on prayer. I doubted that I would find this week so difficult. In my head it seems easy to be honest and even vulgar with one who knows my inner vulgarity. Yet when I close my eyes (or bow my head, or whatever) I find myself often incapable of actual honesty. All the formality and hypocrisy that so appalled me in my early Christian days takes over in me. Rather than honesty, I become tongue-tied. 

But, when faced with a thunderstorm tonight, it seemed easier. Something about the violence of the scene before me made it easier to pray the violent, angry prayers in my own heart. They came out of me like vomit. All of my internal anger found external expression. Somehow, I was able to believe that the God of the lightning I could see and the thunder I could hear would appreciate those prayers. I worry that if I am unfiltered that I am going to hurt people and break relationships. For once, I wasn't worried about breaking relationship with God. 

Maybe part of prayer is to daily affirm that God can handle our crap. That he is not unaffected by us. He hears the cry of his people, even if the rest of the world wouldn't find those cries to be very important. 

I am not feeling thankful for as much as I ought today. Gratefulness is not my strongest virtue. But today I am thankful for this; I am thankful for the God who hears. 

writing stuff

For as long as I can remember, I have thought of myself as a decent writer, who could become a good writer if I tried. Of course, I have never really tried.

There is power in this way of thinking. I could be good at something, if I tried to be good at something. If you don't try, you don't have to fail. If you never fail, you always could have succeeded. It is a vicious cycle, but one that I unfortunately know too well.

When I was a freshman in college, I watched the movie, then devoured the book High Fidelity. The book centers around a thirtysomething man who owns a record shop. He is a sharp musical critic, who analyzes everything in his life through his harsh critical lens. He is also profoundly unhappy. This book was actually essential in my journey towards following Jesus. It helped me see that most of what was keeping me from Jesus was my harsh criticism of other people, people who were trying, but often failing at living virtuously. Like in High Fidelity, I had to come to the point of recognizing that those who tried, failed and kept trying were significantly ahead of me; the critic who shielded himself in self perceived untapped potential.

Back to writing. Here are the excuses I make not to write:

• "I don't have time". False. I have time. I work out. I watch sports. I play Words with Friends. I have time. I don't make time. But that is an entirely different issue. 
• "I have nothing to say." Listen, everyone gets blocked. Our ideas get blocked, ambition gets blocked, even bowels get blocked. The reality is though that creativity spurs creativity. I used to be able to run 7-10 miles. I now can run 2. However, if I ran 2 miles everyday this week, I could probably run 3 next week, and so on. 
• "The world doesn't need another Christian no-it-all book/blog/tumblr/etc". Here is where it really is. 

I think of writing externally, not internally. Before I sit down to write, I think about the audience first. I try to imagine what no one else has said. I (rightly) conclude that everything has already been said.

But here is the rub, I think that I still need to say it. I have thought about writing or being a writer since I was 10 years old. That is 22 years! My writing dream can order a drink. By comparison, I have known my wife for 12 years. I graduated from college 10 years ago. I have followed Jesus for 14 years. My thought of being a writer is older than all but one of my friendships.

I don't think it would be healthy to allow another 20 years to pass or critiquing others or wondering if I could actually do that thing.

So I will try to be here more. I will try to extract more thoughts from my head and see if I can get any better at the process. If you enjoy it, let me know. If you see things I can improve on,  also let me know, but nicely. I'm in a vulnerable state with all of this. If there is a dream delayed for you and you want to give it a shot, let me know...it's fun to embark on the journey together!

poor in spirit

"I am just not happy right now. I haven't been for awhile"

 I couldn't believe I was saying those words out loud. Even as I said them to Donan, I felt like I needed to stop. Those are bad words. Those are not the words that she wants to hear. Not the words that I want to hear. Not how I am supposed to feel. Being unhappy is not allowed for me.

 I have spent a good chunk of my life not happy. My junior high years were very rough. My shyness was so crippling that I had very few friends. I strongly disliked myself, mostly my body. Like most kids that age, I always felt like everyone else around me got the joke and I was lagging behind. My general funk got so crippling that my grades became dangerously low. My parents became worried enough that they asked me if I wanted to go to a smaller private school.

 High school had been where the fog began to lift. I took high school as an opportunity to reinvent myself (or would "re-brand" be a more relevant term?). The process was clumsy. I still rarely felt like I was in step with those around me, but I was closer. I was listening to the right music and wearing the right clothes. I also learned how to cynically dismiss endeavors that I was not gifted at (sports teams, mostly). I was able to build a community of friends and even upgrade occasionally to more socially acceptable friends. But was I happy? More so than before. I was still haunted by comparison with more socially able and athletically gifted friends, but like most teens, it was amazing to have even a few people to sort through life with.

 Going into college, I had no grand plan to re-brand myself. Quite the opposite actually, I strived to hold on tightly to the friendships that I had established in high school. I would room with a high school friend, keep my high school girlfriend and in no way risk falling back into the junior high abyss of loneliness. If you know me, then you know where this story is heading. My high school friend left first semester (though he would return, graduate and is now quite successful) and my relationship wouldn't make it until Christmas. I did however, make the most significant life change imaginable, I decided to follow Jesus.

 To this point, my view of happiness was usually dictated by my relational networks. The more alone I was, the more unhappy I was. Relationships were my lifeline. I drowned without them. Deciding to follow Jesus changed the script. Rather than external relationships, I was compelled to seek out the promise of internal change and a focus seeing God's Kingdom in the world. In short, I was seeking purpose more than relationships. So...did it make me happy? Actually, yes! Like many converts I got my share of "what happened to you?" comments(I am pretty sure that most were meant in a positive manner). I passionately began leading bible studies and participating in mission. Now I had my fair share of angst, but I can say without hesitation that following Jesus in college was a more vibrant and alive period of my life than any time that preceded it. As an added bonus, I gained (and maintained) many relationships in the midst of it all. I had more peace internally (Jesus!), more purpose externally (the Kingdom) and more people to walk through life with than ever before (community). The mix seemed perfect. I now work with college students, hoping that they will experience the same transformation with Jesus, His Kingdom and community that I did. It's been 10 years since I graduated. My whole life has been shaped by a little Bible study in Stephenson North in the fall of 1999. No regrets. I love my job. This transformation in my passion.

 So why then, in 2013 do I feel more like the lonely junior higher than the wide-eyed college student? Honestly, I have no idea. Am I working too hard? (maybe, but hours have rarely bothered me) Do I need a vacation? (yeah) Do I have some undiagnosed medical malady (possible) Am I 9 months into a new job and not know what I am doing? (true and oddly specific) Trust me, since I finally admitted to being unhappy I have spent many hours trying to self-diagnose. Sometimes I feel like I am especially prone to spiritual hypochondria. As I have been digging into scripture though, I have begun to wonder if my fundamental question is actually wrong. I have been asking, "why am I not happy?". The reality is that is very close to an unanswerable question. I didn't decide to follow Jesus to become happy, I chose to follow Jesus because I became convinced that He was God and that He wanted me to follow Him. Did I have expectations on how that would effect me feelings? Sure, but when you feel like you are encountering the supernatural God it is difficult to dictate terms. I think the question that scripture has been pointing me towards is, "why do I think that I am not allowed to be unhappy?". When I think about my unhappiness, I don't generally ask "what's wrong?", but instead "what's wrong with me?". Being unhappy makes me feel like a hypocrite. Makes me feel like a fraud. My emotional state so vastly improved upon becoming a Christian, that unhappiness makes me feel like something is wrong with faith life. Somehow, somewhere inside of me saying "I am not happy", became akin to not believing in Jesus anymore. Can you see the danger in this? If following Jesus is synonymous with happiness, then it's just a short road to Christians needing to be the most put together people in the room. They need to be successful, their kids need to be clean and their attitude needs always remain upbeat and pure. In fact, as I look back on the last several months I can see how I attempted to control all of these areas of my life. If I couldn't be happy, I could at least look like a Christian should. In the face of this though, I come to the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7). Even if you haven't studied or read these chapters, you kinda know them. Love your enemies? In there. Don't judge? Yup. Turn the other cheek? You betcha. This sermon is Jesus' introduction to the Kingdom and what Kingdom living looks like. It is beautiful, fierce and completely upside down. No one is excluded from the hope it offers or its fierce correction. And Jesus begins with a simple phrase: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven". I will not get into all the different definitions of "poor in spirit" and give then one that I find most accurate; the spiritually bankrupt. Now I don't think being spiritually bankrupt is a goal, but I do think that Jesus is saying that spiritually bankruptcy doesn't disappoint or scare off Jesus. In fact, I believe is saying that the Kingdom He is building is for people that are emptied out. I know that this is a cliche for many of us, but how many times have you gone to church empty, tired, doubting and just barely holding on and felt out of place among the smiling happy people? How is it that Jesus says church should be where you feel at home? As I take into account my present unhappiness, my unhealthy coping and scripture, I wonder how long I have been a false happy face making people just as spiritually bankrupt as me feel like they don't belong? It's one thing to complain that church (or InterVarsity chapters...) are fake, it's another to rebelliously be real. Especially when being honest feels exhausting and you are constantly wondering "what's wrong with me?". I have been amazed how much of a relief it has been to not try and be happy, and how freeing has been to see that attempts to rebuild happiness are often antithetical to Christian faithfulness. This is a long post. I think I will stop. I have more to say. I suppose that the point of blogging is that you don't have to say it all at once. I will try to remember to keep up blogging. If you read this all, thank you. I mean it.