"Lord, help me to see"

On May 19th, Donan and I began a six-month sabbatical. I have struggled with words to describe why sabbatical is good or more specifically what I hope for sabbatical. I am not taking a class, writing a book or have any great medical need. Simply, InterVarsity offers a six-month sabbatical for any full-time employee after seven years of service. This is year twelve and it felt like the right time.

The last week or so before sabbatical began several friends prayed for me. The theme in these prayers was clear: God wants me to remember who I am.

As I received this prayer time and again from different people I received two truths: firstly, I am deeply loved that God would care enough to want that for me and secondly, I have lost something of who I am.

The second truth provides both clarity and confusion, as word from the Spirit often do. Something has felt odd. When it began, I couldn't tell you. I have been sadder. Angrier. Anxious. Even blessings are coated with a sense of inevitable disappointment. As I reflect on a lifetime of being the optimistic ying in so many relationships I have to acknowledge that now I am the one desperately seeking others to see silver lining that I am incapable of seeing on my own. Something feels lost.

Which is of course the worst part of sabbatical; despite the lack of emails and meetings, I am still stuck with me! Not the me that I ought to be, but the me that I am. It is one thing to hear that God wants you to remember who you are, it is another thing to remember. It's like a name you can't recall, or watching a movie you have seen, but barely remember. You know that it is there somewhere, but extracting the information remains outside of your grasp.

I am slowly reading The Face of the Deep: Exploring the Mysterious Person of the Holy Spirit by Paul Pastor.  The first two chapters of focused on the creative person of Holy Spirit. He was the Spirit of God who stirred the waters of creation in Genesis. He is the creative expression of God. We are surrounded by not by evidence of God, but by the creative reality of Holy Spirit every moment. The second chapter focuses more on Spirit's creative work in humanity. We participate in creation. Our creative practices exist on the canvases of artists, but also in home construction and in baristas making coffee. Meaningful labor and activity are part of Spirit's work today.

Curiosity is a friend that I have long neglected. I wonder if part of who I have lost is a sense of awe surrounding God's presence in our world and my role within it. After all, what is ministry work if it is devoid of awe? What is a manageable ministry job? The more tired I have become, the more interested I become in explanations rather than questions.

For now, I am exploring Spirit's creation through a camera lens. I am not a photographer. My dad has generously given me a camera and I am trying to teach myself to look at the world in new ways. To see beauty, questions and intentionality in what I generally pass by. It's been fun! The world looks different. It looks magical.

I have taken Moira with me on two photographing jaunts. She is looking for magical places. She wants to find magic hidden among the mundane. What I am realizing is that she doesn't really see anything as mundane. When she stops and looks at a tree, or a mail box, or a rock those objects are always something more than they appear. Those she often takes blurry photos with her finger in front of the lens, she is a better photographer than I am.