discipline

"Fasting kicked my butt. I went into this chapter, still focusing on the previous chapter. I honestly have never had good experiences with fasting, I usually get too obsessed and prideful about weight loss and physical appearance. Recently though, I have felt God challenging me in my discipline and character. Seemingly, God has been showing me the connection between my discipline and character weaknesses. I think that my weakness in doing the things of God is directly proportional to my inability to resist evil. Not being able to stay committed to daily silence, keeps me from tearing away from my house to get to campus. Weakness in my own scripture study, contributes to me procrastinating on prepping Bible study and large group talks."

The above is from a journal entry for Practicum class. My reading on fasting today struck a nerve that has been permeating in my for awhile, where is the discipline in my life? I have some discipline, I work out 3-4 times a week, usually wake up between 8-9 AM...you know stuff like that. But spiritual discipline? I am pretty weak.

Ironically, this was not always so. My senior year of college I spent about one hour daily in prayer. For awhile it was great, but then it got very legalistic. If I missed my hour, I was wrecked with guilt, even though for the life of me I couldn't outwardly express any reason that God would be angry with me. My intern year with IV, I felt like God was actually calling me to cool it a little bit, so I did.

But now I am wondering if I have embraced my freedom too much. Am I tired, because I am spending too much time counseling others, without letting God check have input in my own heart? Am I without hope because I am not letting Jesus speak vision into my soul? Am I unwilling to create waves because without hearing Jesus say "I love you" I lack confidence? Do I have not, because I do not ask? Do I let fear separate me from God, because I forgot who He is?

I enter into discipline with great fear. I want to know God (at lead I think I do) but I do not want to let legalism back into my life. I enter in though, because I believe that the innermost parts of my soul are crying out for something eternal. I also believe the eternal God wants more of me.