what do we lose when we grow?

I have been listening to Jennifer Knapp's Kasas for the better part of today. This was one of my favorite albums when I was in college and one of the few Christian albums that I considered "artistic" enough for me to listen to. The lyrics are just so, so good. Knapp was a pretty young Christian when she wrote the album and it just sounds like a pure, raw confession of a new Christian. She reminds herself that "grace is sufficient" for her and pleads to be refined. She is so honest about her sin and so dependednt on grace. She sees how futile her attempts to control her life are (comparing her control to sand castles being washed away by the tide) and pleads to be brought from darkness to light.

As I listen to this record (you ever notice that you're supposeed to call albums records, even though only hipsters have record players?) I am struck by the emotional chord it strikes for me. When I listened to this album, I to was a young Christian. Knapp's confessions felt like my own confessions. As I listen to her asking God, "Can You Hear me?" I remember wondering the same thing.

I also become increasingly aware that I still wonder.

I am more mature than I was in 2001 when I was listening to this record. My theology is more sound. I use less profane language and I am significantly less likely to tell an off-color joke. Generally, I am a more self-controlled person.

But when I listen to this record, I remember the first time that I asked God for an image, and he showed my cuddled up in HIs lap. I remember saying "sorry" to Jennifer when I mocked her for being upset at STIM when she was talked down to during an exercise. I remember smoking an obscene amount of cigars with Voctor and talking about faith. I remember playing guitar with Mike until the morning paper arrived. And I remember that the time together was not really about guitar, but was actually about true brotherhood. I remember angrily crying at leaders team because a high school friend told me that I changed since giving my life to Jesus. I remember China. I remember Chicago. I remember praying with Mike and Majid about whether I should ask Donan out.

I suppose I also remember debilitating doubts, arrogant proclamations, awkward confessions, showing up to large group 2 beers into a 5 beer night. I remember making friends cry with my carelessness and hiding my lesser qualities.

Basically, I remember how raw that period life felt. I remember what faith felt like before I felt like I had to be put together. My college faith life was very tumultuous. It was full of massive back-sliding and crazy risks for the Kingdom. I wonder if I have traded vibrancy for maturity. I wonder if I can pursue both.

I mostly wonder if we lose something when we grow up. I wonder if this is all what "faith like a child" really means.