poor in spirit

"I am just not happy right now. I haven't been for awhile"

 I couldn't believe I was saying those words out loud. Even as I said them to Donan, I felt like I needed to stop. Those are bad words. Those are not the words that she wants to hear. Not the words that I want to hear. Not how I am supposed to feel. Being unhappy is not allowed for me.

 I have spent a good chunk of my life not happy. My junior high years were very rough. My shyness was so crippling that I had very few friends. I strongly disliked myself, mostly my body. Like most kids that age, I always felt like everyone else around me got the joke and I was lagging behind. My general funk got so crippling that my grades became dangerously low. My parents became worried enough that they asked me if I wanted to go to a smaller private school.

 High school had been where the fog began to lift. I took high school as an opportunity to reinvent myself (or would "re-brand" be a more relevant term?). The process was clumsy. I still rarely felt like I was in step with those around me, but I was closer. I was listening to the right music and wearing the right clothes. I also learned how to cynically dismiss endeavors that I was not gifted at (sports teams, mostly). I was able to build a community of friends and even upgrade occasionally to more socially acceptable friends. But was I happy? More so than before. I was still haunted by comparison with more socially able and athletically gifted friends, but like most teens, it was amazing to have even a few people to sort through life with.

 Going into college, I had no grand plan to re-brand myself. Quite the opposite actually, I strived to hold on tightly to the friendships that I had established in high school. I would room with a high school friend, keep my high school girlfriend and in no way risk falling back into the junior high abyss of loneliness. If you know me, then you know where this story is heading. My high school friend left first semester (though he would return, graduate and is now quite successful) and my relationship wouldn't make it until Christmas. I did however, make the most significant life change imaginable, I decided to follow Jesus.

 To this point, my view of happiness was usually dictated by my relational networks. The more alone I was, the more unhappy I was. Relationships were my lifeline. I drowned without them. Deciding to follow Jesus changed the script. Rather than external relationships, I was compelled to seek out the promise of internal change and a focus seeing God's Kingdom in the world. In short, I was seeking purpose more than relationships. So...did it make me happy? Actually, yes! Like many converts I got my share of "what happened to you?" comments(I am pretty sure that most were meant in a positive manner). I passionately began leading bible studies and participating in mission. Now I had my fair share of angst, but I can say without hesitation that following Jesus in college was a more vibrant and alive period of my life than any time that preceded it. As an added bonus, I gained (and maintained) many relationships in the midst of it all. I had more peace internally (Jesus!), more purpose externally (the Kingdom) and more people to walk through life with than ever before (community). The mix seemed perfect. I now work with college students, hoping that they will experience the same transformation with Jesus, His Kingdom and community that I did. It's been 10 years since I graduated. My whole life has been shaped by a little Bible study in Stephenson North in the fall of 1999. No regrets. I love my job. This transformation in my passion.

 So why then, in 2013 do I feel more like the lonely junior higher than the wide-eyed college student? Honestly, I have no idea. Am I working too hard? (maybe, but hours have rarely bothered me) Do I need a vacation? (yeah) Do I have some undiagnosed medical malady (possible) Am I 9 months into a new job and not know what I am doing? (true and oddly specific) Trust me, since I finally admitted to being unhappy I have spent many hours trying to self-diagnose. Sometimes I feel like I am especially prone to spiritual hypochondria. As I have been digging into scripture though, I have begun to wonder if my fundamental question is actually wrong. I have been asking, "why am I not happy?". The reality is that is very close to an unanswerable question. I didn't decide to follow Jesus to become happy, I chose to follow Jesus because I became convinced that He was God and that He wanted me to follow Him. Did I have expectations on how that would effect me feelings? Sure, but when you feel like you are encountering the supernatural God it is difficult to dictate terms. I think the question that scripture has been pointing me towards is, "why do I think that I am not allowed to be unhappy?". When I think about my unhappiness, I don't generally ask "what's wrong?", but instead "what's wrong with me?". Being unhappy makes me feel like a hypocrite. Makes me feel like a fraud. My emotional state so vastly improved upon becoming a Christian, that unhappiness makes me feel like something is wrong with faith life. Somehow, somewhere inside of me saying "I am not happy", became akin to not believing in Jesus anymore. Can you see the danger in this? If following Jesus is synonymous with happiness, then it's just a short road to Christians needing to be the most put together people in the room. They need to be successful, their kids need to be clean and their attitude needs always remain upbeat and pure. In fact, as I look back on the last several months I can see how I attempted to control all of these areas of my life. If I couldn't be happy, I could at least look like a Christian should. In the face of this though, I come to the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7). Even if you haven't studied or read these chapters, you kinda know them. Love your enemies? In there. Don't judge? Yup. Turn the other cheek? You betcha. This sermon is Jesus' introduction to the Kingdom and what Kingdom living looks like. It is beautiful, fierce and completely upside down. No one is excluded from the hope it offers or its fierce correction. And Jesus begins with a simple phrase: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven". I will not get into all the different definitions of "poor in spirit" and give then one that I find most accurate; the spiritually bankrupt. Now I don't think being spiritually bankrupt is a goal, but I do think that Jesus is saying that spiritually bankruptcy doesn't disappoint or scare off Jesus. In fact, I believe is saying that the Kingdom He is building is for people that are emptied out. I know that this is a cliche for many of us, but how many times have you gone to church empty, tired, doubting and just barely holding on and felt out of place among the smiling happy people? How is it that Jesus says church should be where you feel at home? As I take into account my present unhappiness, my unhealthy coping and scripture, I wonder how long I have been a false happy face making people just as spiritually bankrupt as me feel like they don't belong? It's one thing to complain that church (or InterVarsity chapters...) are fake, it's another to rebelliously be real. Especially when being honest feels exhausting and you are constantly wondering "what's wrong with me?". I have been amazed how much of a relief it has been to not try and be happy, and how freeing has been to see that attempts to rebuild happiness are often antithetical to Christian faithfulness. This is a long post. I think I will stop. I have more to say. I suppose that the point of blogging is that you don't have to say it all at once. I will try to remember to keep up blogging. If you read this all, thank you. I mean it.

Victimized vs Protected

"I see myself as these girls protector. As a man, that makes me feel good."

My friend Troy said those words last week. Troy started an organization with the simple vision of providing young girls who are destined for forced marriage or brothel work a way to be educated instead. He works to trade brothel life for real life. I like that he does that and I was inspired by his work.

I was also struck by his perspective about how is gender is tied to his calling. He is not ignorant. He knows that these girls are being led into brothels in order to satiate the sinful desires of men. He also knows (and articulated) that there is not as large of a chasm between lustfully staring at video online and actually purchasing a real girl. The line that we pretend exists is not as fully formed as most of us would like to believe. Troy sees his work as actively rebelling against his own sin and the sin of ilk. I find that much more appealing than simply trying not to fail. I guess I like action.

I have been thinking about Troy today as I have been trying to sort through my emotions after the shootings in Oregon and now Connecticut. I realized that when I heard that the shooters were young men it barely registered. Of course they were young men. Just like the shooters at Columbine. And Timothy McVeigh. And most of the perpetrators and violent and sexual crime.

As a campus missionary, I spend quite a bit of time thinking about young guys. Young guys are increasingly absent from Christian community. Young guys are also increasingly absent to their families. Don't get me wrong, some young guys are awesome. My friend Andrew is leaving Pullman today as a new graduate. He is a man of God and a man of integrity. I know many guys like him at WSU and Whitman. But I also know droves of men who simply refuse to grow up. They don't know if they have what it takes, and seem disinterested in finding out. Video games trump real experiences and women exist for their pleasure.

My last year in college I led a men's bible study. Let me tell you, I knew what men on campus needed. I knew how they had fallen short. I was going to be the guy to call them out. Many good things came out of that study. People decided to follow Jesus and a critical mass of men came together each week. But as the year wore on, I noticed that my definition of masculinity was narrow. It was so narrow, that guys either found themselves unwelcome in the community, or subtly pushed into faking their own masculinity in order to belong. As a result, I have mostly put men's ministry on the back burner since. After all, if I don't have the answers, then what do I have to contribute?

Lately, I have been trying to repent of that attitude. Even before Troy spoke, I felt a stirring inside of me. What about men? If church is not reaching them, then what will? I feel this even more strongly today.

The reality is, for millions of people in the world, men are the perpetrators of violence towards them. Whether that person in a young girl in Bangladesh or a child survivor in Connecticut. Troy's role as protector is increasingly not how men are perceived. We are the depraved and absent ones, not the ones who fight to be a voice for the voiceless or protectors of the weak. This is sad.

I know that many of my female friends may exclaim, "I don't need to be protected!". And for many of them, this may be true. For some of my guy friends, they may feel insecure about their manhood or physical prowess. Guess what, me too! I believe that biblical masculinity is not synonymous with misogyny. I have been led by, as well as leading women. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I am certainly not arguing for violence. Jesus says, "Those who live by the sword, will die by the sword.". I happen to agree with him. I am talking about using worldly power for other people's gain. I am talking about being present to families and communities. I am talking about bringing up uncomfortable topics because it is the right thing to do. I am talking about praying with urgency because these are urgent times that require heart and soul engagement.

I know for some people, this is the last week for the whole world. For others, we are in a period of "rebirth". Personally, I try not to assign special meaning to numbers or dates (plus I happen to think that Jesus meant it when he said "no one will know the time or date"). But I do sense a quiet desperation in people who just feel hopeless. Job market sucks, apparently we are going over a fiscal cliff, the Middle East is increasingly violent and North Korea is launching rockets. It feels safer to remain disengaged, or to retreat into realities that you feel like you can do something in (see: games, video).


Troy went to law school and found some girls that needed help. What will I do? Who will I fight for?

Peter was a loud-mouthed coward, who became the "Rock" and could be counted on to lead a church.

Jacob was a slimy mama's boy, who became someone who could wrestle with God.

Moses was an ill-tempered rich kid, who became was able to lead people through harsh desert life for 40 years.

I want to know less about who I have been and more about the man I am becoming. And I want some guys to walk with me in the process.

Whose coming with?

confronted with my own pettiness

On Saturday, I called the Verizon customer service line with a legitimate complaint. My voicemail had been on the fritz for a couple of days, leaving people unable to leave me messages. I also mentioned some issues that I had been having with my GPS. The GPS issue was secondary and I am not even sure why I mentioned it. Then something interesting happened, the operator mentioned that I may be eligible for a replacement phone if we couldn't get the GPS working.

A new phone? For me? Why thank you!

Suddenly I thought to myself, "what if they are out of my phone? Could I receive a better phone? More RAM? A front-facing camera?". My thoughts went from the legitimate, to a lustful wanting, almost immediately.

Then I was connected with an IT guy who immediately annoyed me. He wasn't rude, mean or dismissive. He was knowledgeable. He knew how to make my phone work better. He understood the issues and gave sound advice on how to get it running again. He knew how to ensure that I would not need a replacement device.

I tried to be gracious, but I was unhappy. This person was costing me something new and something shinny. I started asking questions. I asked why this didn't work or that didn't work. He answered all my questions and proved to be very helpful.

Then he asked about my voicemail. I realized I had almost forgotten why I called. So he tested my voicemail and heard: "Hello, you have reached Jeremiah with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship at Washington State University...". He asked me what I did for a living and what Intervarsity was. As I replied, his voice changed. He proceeded to tell me how necessary I was and how college students needed Christian mentors. He talked about how important Christian mentors were to him in college and how he is a member of his local church because of the Christian community he had in college.

In that moment I realized the extent to which my own greed and materialism had blind me to the human being on the other end of the phone. In my lust, I had de-humanized someone. My desire for something new was no different than looking at pornography; I had allowed someone else's humanness to diminish to fulfill one of my wants.

I felt small, but also grateful. God knows my needs and how and where to communicate with me. I can only hope, that I can learn from my father how to instruct and correct Moira as well and as patiently as my Divine Father leads me.

What my Daughter's Middle Name Means

Moira Grace Nealon was born on January 22 at 8:02 pm. She has immediately changed my life...I quipped two days after she was born that her birth marked the death of my cynicism. Thankfully, this has continued to be true.

This post is about her middle name, "Grace". Like most parents, I hope that her name will mean something. In the Bible, often names prove to be descriptive. Jacob was born clutching Esau's heel, so he his name means "heel" (is there any wonder that he needed to be renamed by God?). Donan and I long that Grace will be more than a pretty middle name that rolls off the tongue. We hope that it will describe God's hand in her life.

Quick background, I have spent much of the past year exploring the idea of grace. While I have been a Christian for 12 years now, I felt like my understanding of grace was very limited. I was a Christian to make the world better, but was lacking in understanding in just what force God was using to change our world.

I believe that Grace is the most powerful force in the Universe. I believe Grace is the essence of God's plan for the restoration of everything that has ever been made. I believe that Grace gives weight and importance to every action that occurs on our planet. I believe that Grace is evidence of the existence of sin and the offer of real forgiveness. I believe that Grace can accomplish more than war ever can. I believe that Grace erodes what fear establishes. I believe that Grace undermines every scheme to enslave humanity in bitterness. I believe that without Grace, there is no such thing as hope.

I believe that Grace is done a disservice when it is applied to dance routines and beauty pageants. While my daughter is a beautiful girl, I do not believe that Grace is inherently feminine.

I believe that Grace is misunderstood. Too often we treat Grace like it is a tool that we can wield, choosing who to give it to and to hold it back from. In reality, Grace is a force that we either can resist or embrace. To embrace it, is to get lost it. Grace defines us, we never get to define Grace.

Grace is evidence that our lives matter to God. Our sins and failures mean so much that they need to be atoned. OUr inherent value to God is so high that He is willing to die to restore us. Grace doesn't mean that in the end nothing matters, it actually proves that everything matters.

I hope and I pray that my daughter will allow herself to be embraced by Grace. I want Grace to protect her from a merit-based view of the world. I long for her to never know the sting of unforgiveness or to be poisoned from the inside-out by a grudge. I hope that Grace enables her to treat every person with value and to know that her value is entirely derived by how God sees her.

From the time that Donan found out she was pregnant, in the womb I would tell Moira that she could not earn my love. Good grades and perfect behavior would never secure my love. In contrast, rebellion and sin would never cost her my love. I pledged to her that I would strive, to the best of my feeble ability, to demonstrate the Grace of her perfect Father.

So that is what Moira's middle name means. Her name is hope. I tell her that her middle name is the most powerful force in the universe...and I mean it. All I can do is pray that she will be defined not by the "un-grace" of the world, but the eternal wave of Grace unleashed by Jesus.

Most summers I move for two weeks. I live in Tacoma (or occasionally Portland) with a group of students from throughout the Northwest. We sleep on floors, eat on about $5 a day, work with the poor and, pray and study scripture like they are the most precious gifts in the world. Our cellphones live in boxes, unused and ignored, and our laptops stay home.

It is a beautiful experience that I am once again recruiting for. When I try to invite people, I am constantly struck at the disconnect between how good summit is, and how difficult it is to articulate its value. I am convinced that summit will be the best, most valuable and yes, the most fun two weeks of any student's summer. However, it never sounds like it will be. It just sounds hard. Scary. Financially irresponsible. Semesters are always long and summit sounds like it will only make them longer.

Here's the thing though...it's the best thing that I know how to offer students. Yes, it screws with the trajectory of students lives, but it screws with them for the better. Conferences are great, but like Peter, James and John, we can't live on the mountain with Jesus, Moses and Elijah. Summit offers an alternate way to live. Summit asks students to choose between the best the world has to offer and what the Kingdom offers.

Summit may give students stiff backs, caffeine headaches and uncomfortable scriptures, but it also creates soft hearts, clear vision and the dream of a different world.

I am aware this sounds idealistic. In reality, it is difficult to go every single year. Every year two weeks of rest sounds so good. Two weeks of quiet and privacy sounds wonderful. At home, I rarely have to decide how much our team can spare for the homeless man at the door. I rarely pray for strangers or clean empty bottles and needles from an abandoned apartment. Rarely do I need to look into the eyes of a child how who is bitter against all men, because they remind him of his father.

I often have students (usually around their junior year) start to question the value of conferences. They question whether their experiences there make any difference in the "real world". My retort is simple; where God is active is the realist of all worlds. It is what we usually call the real world that blinds and numbs us. The real world is where Super Bowl winners matter more than famine in Africa. The real world is where it makes sense to not actively love someone, because that act of love might be offensive.

What makes Summit good and the lifestyle it teaches us necessary, is that it trains us live in the actual real world, not the facsimile that we (by which of course, I mean "I") become subtly seduced by.

So if you are reading this and you are a supporter or friend of InterVarsity, I ask that you would pray for those considering coming to Tacoma and Portland this summer. Additionally, if you are interested in helping financially support students attending summit, please contact me.

If you are a student...please come! Take the risk. Jesus said that He came so that "they may have life and have it to the full" (John 10:10). Faith is an adventure, please don't settle for less.

Finally, if you are a student who has stumbled upon this blog who is not a follower of Jesus, I want to invite you to come as well. The Christian faith cannot be understood in books alone. It cannot be evaluated from the outside. If you have any curiosity about the faith that your friends seem to so deeply believe in, please come where it is embodied. You will make the project better and I believe that Jesus would love to show you his face within community and among the poor.

reflections on a changing world

First off, I must say that I am indebted to Pete Grieg of 24/7 Prayer for this post, as he is the one that stirred these thoughts.

2011 was a tough year for much of the world. Japan experienced a tsunami that cost many thousands of lives and did untold damage to the environment that won't be understood for years to come. Tornadoes whipped through the US. Dictators fell and cities were occupied. Many (including my brother) never were not employed a single day during the year.

It is easy to feel off-kilter after such a year. If the environment can wipe you out at any moment, your seemingly stable government can fall and your well-earned career can fall apart at any moment, then what's safe?

There is a tangible feeling of..something in the air right now. 2012 is the end of the world for some. May 2011 was supposed to be the end of the world for others. Tea Partiers want to reclaim their government, while Occupiers want to reclaim their economy. In the Philippines, many would settle for finding loved ones alive and well after recent flooding.

As a Christian, I feel a great pressure to be able to discern "what it all means". I feel like I should be able to turn to a passage in Revelation or one of the Gospels and capture with eerie clarity what age we are in. I, however, feel unable to do so. Simply put, I feel like a driver on an unknown road, navigating more by sense than map.

Maybe leaning into the road analogy is the best way to proceed. There is a commercial in Allstate's popular (and hilarious) "Mayhem" series that I resonate with. These commercials depict an actor who represents all of the possible calamities of life. He can be a raccoon destroying the insulation of your house, a Christmas tree falling off of the roof of your car or a GPS unit leading you astray. In the GPS commercial, he is sitting on the dash of the car, gleefully dispensing bad directions. In our world today, I feel that we need the anti-mayhem...we need someone occupying our dash with proper directions, even if our destination is murky.

In Matthew 6:33, Jesus instructs those who follow Him to: "seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well." This very famous instruction comes in the middle of the Sermon on the Mount; Jesus' ethical treatise is every bit as challenging and inspiring now as it was 2000 years ago. Before this line, Jesus has instructed His people to give quietly to the needy, to endure in prayer, fast essentials in secret, to store treasure (and value) in heaven and finally, to not worry.

Jesus' lordship is a transfer of our priorities. Our priorities shift from the here and now to heaven, "where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal." You could add to that, where governments are not overthrown and where unemployment is not 10%.

This does not mean that Jesus' way is simply disengaging from this world. It means placing your security in another world and kingdom, so you can operate in this world with no pressure to win, succeed or advance. Jesus' way is a way that looks like reckless risk, but in reality there is no risk at all. To live Jesus' way in an unsure time is to drive on the dark, unknown road listening to the dude on your dash because where he is taking you is better than where you were heading anyway.

I am proposing that a feeling of uncertainty creates the opportunity for us all to see more accurately than we ever did before. The world has always been uncertain. When our false security erodes, we are given an opportunity shift our investments to where they belonged in the first place.

If we're not careful, 2012 may make us numb again. The economy may rebound for enough many, that we forget those for whom it did not. Environmental tragedies may slow enough, that we forget the "mundane" tragedies of famine, human trafficking and poverty. We may, again, simply return to an apathetic existence. We may replace our angst with once again competing for the best toys, jobs, grades, homes and spouses.

We live in an opportune time. It is a time when it is perfectly reasonable to ditch reasonable aspirations for Jesus' narrow road. It is an opportune time to bet fully on the Kingdom of God. The hold of money, upward mobility and success has been weakened, but for how long?

I wonder what it looks like to step into something new? What does it look like rediscover just what is that we are made for? In the now seemingly far away era of the early 2000's, the band Switchfoot claimed, "We were meant to live for so much more, we've lost ourselves".

What does it mean to know find ourselves again?

Saviors

You know, it seems like everyone is looking for a savior.

Tebow-mania is sweeping the NFL.

Mike Leach is going to lead the Cougs to a Rose Bowl.

Price Fielder is going to fix the Mariners offense.

The next President is going to fix the economy.

The next pastor is going to grow the church.

The next girlfriend (or boyfriend) is going to be "the one".

Yup, we love us some saviors.

It makes me think about Advent, the season of waiting for the birth of Jesus. How ingrained in us is a sense that all is not well? How is it that we, the most technologically advanced, most educated, most self-sufficient society in human history are still so hungry to have someone come in and take us to the promised land?

It seems to me, that no matter how much we accomplish or learn, we intuitively know that we cannot save ourselves.

So we look. And look. And look.

We size up every potential savior and wonder whether they can really deliver the goods. This happened to Jesus all the time. Our desperation leads us to cling to every possible savior, then turn on them when they fail to deliver on our hopes.

I have to fight this urge all the time. Without being careful, I can get caught up in pep rallies for coaches, baseball hot stove, Christian authors or promising politicians.

Jesus relentlessly insisted that He was the only savior. He's the gate (John 10:9), He's the vine (John 15:5), He's the way, the truth and the life (John 14:6). I wonder if the reason He told parables about how foolish accumulating money was to a poor audience was to say, "Even if you were wealthy, you would still need saving. Money and security are false saviors".

Advent is the season of waiting...waiting for our true and only savior. Happy waiting everyone!

circle four

A woman with a bad reputation rushes into the town that shuns her to tell them of a man they must meet. A man who could be the savior of them all.

A stumpy, corrupt bureaucrat is so transformed by Jesus' kindness, that he pays back every person he has ripped off and give half of all he has to the poor.

A disgraced disciple stands in front of a group of people, including those who killed his teacher, and invites them to repent, be baptized and become members of the Kingdom of God.

If you go to church, you may be familiar with the idea of "testimonies". Testimonies are when some person tells the story of how they became a Christian. They usually follow the same pattern:

"I was doing ____ with my life, then everything went really bad and I ended up ____. In desperation I came to church/ met with a pastor/ went to a Bible study/ talked to a friend that I knew was a Christian, then I accepted Jesus into my heart and I was saved."

These are powerful times, because they remind us that God is not far away and that lives are being transformed by his love right now. These stories often renew our faith that God is present and has influence in the world.

But too often (though not always) the stories end with a prayer to God. It is the spiritual equivalent to the "and they lived happily ever after" crawl at the end of movies. You begin to crave more of the story, what happens after "happily ever after"?

In scripture, when people encounter Jesus, that encounter changes them. They live differently. Remember, Jesus proclaimed "Repent! For the Kingdom of God is near". He frankly, said nothing about converting, he said repent (turn around, 180 degrees) and live out the values, purposes and in allegiance to the Kingdom of God (the first circle).

He promises help (the Holy Spirit, essentially the power of God in action) and establishes community to work with (see Acts chapter 2). It is a group effort, because kingdoms not only have kings, but citizens as well. Pursuit of the Kingdom and allegiance to the King define the fourth circle. The word "kingdom" reminds us that not only is water God's water and the earth God's earth, but people are God's people. We belong to him and are most alive when recognize that we have a role and purpose on earth (like the first man and woman did in circle one).

What does that mean? It means reorientation. Whatever was the central purpose of your life before, no longer is. Spouses, majors, parents, jobs, sports, entertainment...everything must be reordered, so that Jesus can be King.

Does this really matter though? After all, if you reorient your life, but the world continues as it is with self-interest as the central purpose, why does it matter that you allowing Jesus to reorient you?

It matters because the Kingdom is here and coming. Remember, Jesus is restoring creation and removing the corruption like snake venom from a wound.

Self-interest will disappear, as well as all of its children. War, rape, greed and any form of abuse that exercises power of another person, or over creation for self-interest will fade from history. As will those who have self-interest as their center.

A fully reoriented world will be established and continue forever. When we labor towards the Kingdom, we labor towards what is eternal. When we labor towards anything else, it won't be.

Now let me clarify something, this doesn't mean that only ministry matters. Art can be Kingdom work. Small businesses that help bring people out of poverty are doing Kingdom work. Engineers that bring clean drinking water to those who don't have it are Kingdom builders. Single fathers who work two jobs so there kids can eat loving the Kingdom and their children at the same time.

Does this sound like a lot of work? It is. But it's the right work. We all work, except for those few who are cursed with wealth without discernment. The first man and woman had work, but it was work that was rooted in proper relationship. They weren't trying to prove themselves with their work. They weren't justified by how much better they were at working than their neighbor. Jesus said that he came to bring "life and life to the fullest" and "living water that wells up to eternal life". Full and eternal lives are full of the right work and the strength of God supernaturally equipping you.

In short, the fourth circle is the kingdom that the third circle established. It isn't going to church or a summer mission trip, it is living the Kingdom out is classes, Greek houses, residence halls, internships, family reunions and yes, in church and summer mission trips! It is reorienting your life within community, so that Jesus is the King. And it is pursuing a world where that reorientation is taking place in ghetto's, college campuses and governments. It is, as the 24/7 Prayer movement calls it, "praying like all depends on God and living like it all depends on [us]".

Here is a story that I think spells out the fourth circle better than I can: http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ycn-9159265

One last question...are you in?

Next steps:

• Ask Jesus to examine you. What is your center? Is it Jesus? The good news is that you cannot fix your center, Jesus can. Ask him to establish himself there, and he will.
• What Kingdom do you live for? How can you beging to reorient your time, priorities, budget, etc to be Kingdom of God focused? Looks at Bible, pray every day, saturate yourself with the Kingdom.
• Community. People are "sent to heal", not individuals. Are you laboring with people? Allow others in, allow them to help.

third circle

The world is intentionally made. It has purpose and was not an accident. It is beautiful and reflects the creative power of the creator.

It is also deeply corrupted. Much has gone wrong. People fight for power, the environment is abused and people seek to live without God, no longer in rhythm with their creator.

We are no longer in the first circle, but seemingly stuck in the mess of the second circle. Is there a way out?

Only God can address the damage of corruption in the world. People are corrupted by evil and have become active participants. Though we are homesick for the first world and may even labor to restore our world, we breathe the same corrupted air that the rest of creation does. Instinctively, we may do good, but we also do damage. We simply are too caught up in the corruption to heal it.

This is where Jesus enters the picture.

Jesus is often discussed, sometimes worshiped, lauded as a great teacher and occasionally mocked. Most of the world uses his birth to split history into two eras. He is considered significant by almost everybody.

He has become so famous, that he his known more by reputation than by experience. Think about a book like War and Peace. The book is known and respected by almost everybody. However, most people are simply aware that it is long. Relatively few people have experienced reading the book, but they respect it by reputation.

Jesus is kind of like that. His reputation precedes him and that reputation colors every bible study, church service or academic research about him.

If the only thing you know about Jesus' reputation is that he said "do not judge", then you may struggle when he refers to anybody as "swine". If you have seen signs that proclaims that Jesus hate gay people, then it may be challenging to discover that Jesus never actually talks about homosexuality in any of the gospels. If you know that Jesus died for your sins and to get you to heaven, you may be surprised to learn that he taught so much about how to live NOW.

So who is Jesus? I believe that he is God responding to the corruption of the world. The first chapter of John says that he "is God" and that everything that has been made, was "made through him". He is God in flesh.

God in flesh. When Jesus walked on water, it was his water. He made that water. He chose its color and texture. He decided it would be wet. It's his water to walk on.

The second world is still God's world. It still belongs to him. It's corruption is personal to God. Think about someone breaking into your house or your car. That is a feeling of violation. Someone defiles your space when they break in. Now imagine that person who broke into your house decides to live there. Sleep in your bed, eat your food, raise your kids. How would you respond?

God saw the corruption of the world and decided to address it himself. He dove head-long into the corruption in order to restore it. In Christianity, we call this "incarnation". Incarnation is why I am a Christian. Incarnation speaks to me. It changes me. It is the single greatest picture of love that I can ever imagine. It's personal. God doesn't send down angels or wipe out the stupid humans who failed to take care of the world, he instead enters it.

Jesus was born. He spends time as an infant and has to learn to use the bathroom. He gets hungry and thirsty. He makes friends and is rejected by friends. He faces every temptation and longing that we face. Yet, in the face of living in the second world, he manages to live out the values and hopes of the first world.

Jesus lives connected to God the Father. Jesus lives in proper relationship with other people, loving them sacrificially and speaking bold truth. He lives a simple life, free of the greed that humanity struggles with.

Jesus extends mercy to those who usually don't get it, and he challenges those that most people are afraid to challenge. He heals sick people, because sickness and death are part of the corruption. He casts out demons because they work for the ultimate corruptor.

He speaks of another way. He calls it "the Kingdom of God". It's small and gets bigger. It is precious and hidden. It is coming and is now. It has Jesus as king, not Caesar.

He is so bold, so counter-cultural, so beautiful, so entitled (the world is his after all) that he ends up getting executed in joint action of the church and state.

The world decides that world two is better than world one, or at least that it is too dangerous to speak or dream of world one. They chose the way of the one who invaded the home, over the home-owner.

Those who loved him wept bitterly or hid out of fear that they would suffer his fate.

But remember, this world is his world. He didn't stay dead because he is bigger than death. And because Jesus didn't stay dead, nothing has to stay dead.

The whole world can be redeemed, because it's God's first and foremost.

Dreams that have died, can live again. Hope can live and breathe and grow. People can be reconciled, even if they have warred for years.

And death is no longer a period, it is a comma.

Those who accept that his really happened and pledge allegiance to Jesus' Kingdom and its values become restored, first worlders. They become pockets of the real, ancient, intended way. In fact the early church was called follower of the "way".

This is the healing of the corruption. This is what it looks like for God to take back his world. Someday it will be with power and the Kingdom of God will be the only Kingdom. But right now, it is with sacrifice and prayer and hope and service and radical other-centered love. The world is changing and will ultimately be restored for the better.

And in Christianity, we call this "gospel", which means "good news".

first circle

Look at me, attempting a series! I feel so grown up.

Yesterday I talked about the corruption of our world. How we live in a world that seems to have been good one day, but now most of what is good seems steeped in nostalgia. Today I want to comment on the root of that nostalgia and just what was corrupted in the first place.

"In the beginning God created..."

Order. Intentionality. Purpose.

If God created, then this world means something. God is an artist. Artists create things. They think about shadows, proportion and subtext. They know the rules, even if they break them.

The world is not an accident and that means something. A friendship that splinters, a life that is lost accidentally or something beautiful that is destroyed for simple profit matter because this world matters.

God created heaven and earth, stars and sky, water and land, animals and humans. And humans were crafted in the image of God.

We create, because we were created. When a three year old colors on a wall, it's because it's created in the image of God. How cool is that?

God created man to take care of the world and the animals. God gave man a job, and that job was to take care of what God created. Not to survive or just make it, but to take the keys over what God just made.

Man got lonely. Turns out that even without any separation between man and God, loneliness still existed. Apparently we are created to be together.

So God made woman. God said she was good. Man said she was good indeed.

Man did not abuse her, force her to do anything against her will or dominate her at all. Man was not given dominion over her, but she came to help him take care of creation. They could be naked and without shame. Cosmopolitan never told her she was fat and no one ever told him that he needed to keep her in line. He had nothing to prove and no one whispered to her that she could have done better. Naked and without shame.

All they needed was produced by the good, God-made world.

God and man, at peace. Man and woman, at peace. Creation produced good fruit and man and woman honored and took care of it.

The first circle, our home. We cling to each other looking for peace, but too often find scorn and betrayal. We argue how to take care of the earth, but often cannot see beyond our greed and politics. We look for God, but argue where he is.

All because we are no longer in the first circle.

Many of you know the story. It has a snake, a piece of fruit and quite a few consequences.

But stop for a moment and think about the first circle.

God is so close, He is walking with you. Standing side by side with others, without a hint of shame. You know your job and it is purposeful and matters.

No wonder we are so dissatisfied with the second circle, maybe at some level we remember the first circle. We remember a God who is close and a shameless existence. We miss our home.

We turn the music up louder and fire up another video game. We take another hit and allow the numbness to consume us. We study harder and harder waiting for the moment that we feel "good enough" even though it never comes. We go into another bed, but never quite feel okay naked.

Perhaps we are deeply, deeply homesick.

We explain away the first circle as a pipe dream or as an ancient fantasy because it reveals how corrupted our world really is.

Yet, I have never met someone who really thinks that the world is "right". It feels off to everyone, because it is off. We cannot live without regret, because we actually regret something that happened long before we were born. We regret that we are not "there", even though we do not know where "there" actually is.

So where is God? One bite of fruit and He's gone? Does He care about a creation that is decaying?

That's what the third world is all about.

second circle

A student at WSU recently had this as his status:

To live with no regrets is impossible. It's saying that every decision you've made in the past has been correct, you were wrong and you don't care, or you've had a lobotomy and are lethargic. Regret, repent, move forward.
(thanks Steven Christian, Lead Singer of Amberlin)

I was struck by the sophistication of this worldview. He noticed the inconsistency that many of us live in.

Some run forward, boldly proclaiming "no regrets!". They look like free spirits, the kind of guiltless existence that many are envious of. However, are actions do have consequences. I have a friend who fell asleep at the wheel, caused a car accident that killed his passenger and those in the other car. He's the only one who survived. He now knows he has narcolepsy. And he lives the rest of his life wondering how is life would be different if he had that knowledge before getting in the car that day.

How can he have "no regrets"? Even though he didn't do anything wrong, those lives were still lost.

So what's the other road? Guilt, of course.

Some say he should remember those faces daily. He should question himself. He should question God. He should somehow pay back the families.

What value is there in either of these views? Either our actions or valueless or they are the only thing that defines us? Is this all there is?

I would like propose another way to deal with the consequences of our actions and our world.

I am borrowing the theological framework James Choung, the author of True Story: A Christianity Worth Believing In. All stories and analogies are my own.

Is the world good or bad? This is a very difficult question. As a soon-to-be father, there is so much of our world that I am excited to show my child. I'm excited to take them to a Mariners game, show them Mt. Rainer, teach them how to read and I am especially excited to teach them the story of God. However, I also know that Mariners players make an obscene amount of money, while millions are dying of starvation in the horn of Africa; Mt Rainer may destroy Tacoma sometime, my child may read Richard Dawkins (or Bertrand Russell) and decide that God is just a story.

Our world is confusing. There is so much that is lovely. There is so much that is disastrous. Births and deaths. Feasts and famines. Exquisite beauty and pain.

It really does seem like we live in a corrupted world. Anyone who has ever watched a marriage fail knows what I am talking about. Something that once looked so promising can become so ugly, it is unrecognizable. It's my belief that the more beautiful the intention, the more ugly the corruption.

We occupy this world, and that occupation really does effect us. Consider my friend. Even though he didn't choose to kill those people, he is effected by those deaths. They change him.

Or the marriage example; a million little pieces of corruption culminate into a broken relationship. Pornography, selfishness, angry and evil bosses that sap hope at work, abuse of a child by a family friend, financial pressure...these things all press onto a couple until they split. Some of these elements are chosen and can be controlled. Many elements cannot. Eventually the corruption of the world corrupts the relationship.

None are spared by being in our world. We encounter the beauty and the corruption. It inspires and corrupts us.

We can only live without regret when we cease to notice or care about the corruption. When we stop caring about the corruption we no longer have hope for the beauty that proceeded the corruption. When we stop caring about the corruption, we cease to have hope.

Above, I posted a picture with four worlds. I have just described the second. Tomorrow, I'll talk about the first, a world that has been designed for good.

what do we lose when we grow?

I have been listening to Jennifer Knapp's Kasas for the better part of today. This was one of my favorite albums when I was in college and one of the few Christian albums that I considered "artistic" enough for me to listen to. The lyrics are just so, so good. Knapp was a pretty young Christian when she wrote the album and it just sounds like a pure, raw confession of a new Christian. She reminds herself that "grace is sufficient" for her and pleads to be refined. She is so honest about her sin and so dependednt on grace. She sees how futile her attempts to control her life are (comparing her control to sand castles being washed away by the tide) and pleads to be brought from darkness to light.

As I listen to this record (you ever notice that you're supposeed to call albums records, even though only hipsters have record players?) I am struck by the emotional chord it strikes for me. When I listened to this album, I to was a young Christian. Knapp's confessions felt like my own confessions. As I listen to her asking God, "Can You Hear me?" I remember wondering the same thing.

I also become increasingly aware that I still wonder.

I am more mature than I was in 2001 when I was listening to this record. My theology is more sound. I use less profane language and I am significantly less likely to tell an off-color joke. Generally, I am a more self-controlled person.

But when I listen to this record, I remember the first time that I asked God for an image, and he showed my cuddled up in HIs lap. I remember saying "sorry" to Jennifer when I mocked her for being upset at STIM when she was talked down to during an exercise. I remember smoking an obscene amount of cigars with Voctor and talking about faith. I remember playing guitar with Mike until the morning paper arrived. And I remember that the time together was not really about guitar, but was actually about true brotherhood. I remember angrily crying at leaders team because a high school friend told me that I changed since giving my life to Jesus. I remember China. I remember Chicago. I remember praying with Mike and Majid about whether I should ask Donan out.

I suppose I also remember debilitating doubts, arrogant proclamations, awkward confessions, showing up to large group 2 beers into a 5 beer night. I remember making friends cry with my carelessness and hiding my lesser qualities.

Basically, I remember how raw that period life felt. I remember what faith felt like before I felt like I had to be put together. My college faith life was very tumultuous. It was full of massive back-sliding and crazy risks for the Kingdom. I wonder if I have traded vibrancy for maturity. I wonder if I can pursue both.

I mostly wonder if we lose something when we grow up. I wonder if this is all what "faith like a child" really means.

of two minds...

I love Jesus. My vision for life is "dangerously, obsessively Jesus" ("The Vision" Pete Greig). I love that he loves the wrong people, builds his church on the unqualified, tweaks religious leaders, heals, saves, affirms, listens, teaches, challenges and dispenses grace and judgement. I love that He is God in the flesh, yet defers to His Father. I love that He is God in the flesh, yet points the way to the Spirit. I love that He makes a way for us to be reconciled the Father and have the indwelling of the Spirit AND promises to be with His people until the end of the age. He makes a path for an intimate and reconciled relationship with the Triune God.

I love that He incarnated, observed, was tempted, healed, taught, died, raised from dead and ascended to the Father. I love the He is coming again to set everything right and redeem the world that was created through Him. I love that He never gives up.

I love this world. I love spring days. I love the comrade of a good frisbee game, an adventure or of a campus outreach. I love my friends, Christian and non-Christian alike. I love the way the flowers bloom in my backyard, even though I do nothing for them. I love my wife and my family. I love my cat, the Mariners, Seahawks and even that team in OKC.

I love the people who are angry with religion. I love my gay friends, my mormon friends and single parent friends. I love the agnostic professors I've met.

I love hard work. I love taking on a task that is too big for me to handle. I love reading challenging books, the bible and others. I love conservative pastors, like Joe from PBF and liberal pastors I won't name, because they don't like the label "liberal".

I love church. I hate church.

I love being with homeless people. Homeless people scare me.

I love prayer. I hate saying the same thing over and over.

I love to worship God and feel most alive when I do so. I hate simplistic songs that are more about me than God.

I want to be orthodox. I want to be unique.

I believe in unearned, undeserved grace. I believe my life is never good enough.

I believe my Father (both of them) loves me. I believe that I am a disappointment.

I believe God never gives up on you. I often think that God has given up on me.

I don't know if I believe in the Rapture. I believe every word of Revelation is true.

I believe in a new heaven and a new earth and that it is important that we start the bible at the beginning and end it at the end.

I believe in hell. I don't know who goes there, if we choose to be there or if God puts us there.

I believe in spiritual battles. I don't always now which side my beliefs are on.

I believe everyone I know would love Jesus if they met him. I'm not sure how to arrange the introduction.

I think I lose track of what's important much of the time. I think that God is good about reminding me.

I love Jesus. I love that I don't have a handle on Him. I miss Him when I wander. I want be with Him and I want to be here. I want Him here. I want to introduce my friends to Him. I want to eat with Him. I want Him to continue to blow my mind and my expectations.

I love the Spirit. I want the Spirit to lead me to hard truths. To convict me and affirm me. I want see the Spirit move with power and intimacy. I want the Spirit to teach me to pray...even if that means I need to re-learn honesty.

I love the Father. I love that He sent His Son instead of taking Abraham's. I love that He waits for the lost son (or daughter) and runs out to greet them...no questions asked.

conversion

Today InterVarsity in the Northwest is hosting an evangelistic event at Oregon State University and Washington State University. This same event will be happening at Washington State University on Friday.

I often struggle with words like "evangelism". I asked my students on Monday what words come to mind when they hear the word. "Pushy", "old men with green bibles", "televangelists" and "awkward" came to mind. My pastor loves to tell me that when he was in college an eager student rushed to tell him the Four Spiritual Laws, without first asking him if he was a Christian. Many years later he still tells this story and it obviously affects him.

But, evangelism is not inherently bad. A student whom I greatly respect, who happens to be Baha'i came to IV's Winter Conference this weekend. She heard a lot about sharing faith and the word evangelism thrown about. At first I was really concerned about whether she was offended by all the evangelistic language and I wished that the speaker would cool it a little bit. However, I began to realize that Christianity IS an inherently evangelistic faith. We believe Jesus told us to "make disciples of all nations". We believe that Jesus is the permanent passover, that he is the permanent embodiment the lamb's blood that cause the angel of death to pass over the Jewish homes during the passover. We believe that if his death is accepted, we get passed over and even better, we believe that he rose again and that he will create new life in us.

There is not much about the Christian faith that works if it held closely to the heart, but never shared. We are encouraged to share out of the humility that we are not God and cannot offer anything to the world that God has not first given to us.

Yes, evangelism is often awkward. Yes, evangelism without humility and listening, is de-humanizing and rude. Yes, when one is "sharing the gospel" we may be stepping into a world of messy history with the church and we better be ready to repent of some broken history.

But...I am a product of evangelism. I am a product of people who invited me to Bible study, shared their lives with me, never blinked when I dropped f-bombs, rejoiced when I converted and were patient with me as I figured out what that meant. Converting to Christianity is the most important decision I have ever made. It changed the entire trajectory of my life and has changed me from the inside out. I am thankful that I was evangelized to.

This morning 5 people at OSU have responded and decided to accept Jesus' sacrifice and lifestyle. They have agreed to meet other Christians and start the process of figuring out what this decision means. Unlike Saturday morning, I have no ambivalence about this. I am excited and my heart is swelling out towards OSU and the new life that is emerging there.

I would appreciate prayers on Friday. WSU students will be joined by Whitman and University of Idaho students. Staff will be on site at these Proxe stations, but students will be talking to students. Please pray that the Spirit will be bring students that have been seeking truth this year. Please pray students would be bold and full of real love. Please pray that all students who come to these stations would feel listened to and cared about, regardless of their responses. Please pray that God's will would be done, at WSU as in heaven.

Tablets

Last week my dad emailed me about a cheap internet tablet by a company name Velocity. It was $200 and my dad wanted to know if I thought that it was a good buy.

My initial response was "no way"! Obviously there is an iPad and a 1,000 cheap knock offs. However, my dad is more frugal (and less susceptible to clever advertising) so I checked it out.

What did I find? A nice little tablet that was, admittingly, slightly underpowered and hampered by the lack of Android Marketplace. The tab ran at 600 mghz, had a nice 7' capacitive touch screen and runs flash as well as an iPad (which is to say, not at all). It came packed with a Kindle app and apparently was great for browsing the internet, which seems to be 90% of the reason to own a tablet. Not bad.

A little more searching and I found a tab from a company name eLocity. This tab has an hdmi out port, a Tegra dual core processor (faster than Apple's "magical" device), bluetooth, a usb port, a removable battery and upgradable storage. Total cost: $300.

Now the point of this post is not an endorsement for elocity's tablet, the point is the power of advertising and peer pressure. It's highly debatable that internet tablets are wise or prudent purchases, but they are fun and have a certain amount of fun appeal. However, this emerging market is becoming synonymous with the iPad. Apple did this before with iPod, but anyone who likes techy toys should be very happy that Apple was challenged by competitors. Without competition, Apple would still likely have iTunes music locked out for other players and we would be paying $500 for the player itself. In spite of challenges from Microsoft, Creative and others, Apple still refuses to allow easy battery replacements.

Worse than anything else, Apple will announce a new iPad next week. Likely it will have an retina (hd) display and a front facing camera. The screen doesn't matter, but the camera does, as video conferencing is becoming the norm. Those millions of units that have launched this year will be obsolete. Call me cynical, but given how "all in" Apple has been on front facing cameras this year, it seems like they knew this change was coming. This is the definition of "planned obsolescence".

Apple is in many ways the least consumer friendly major company in the US, but they make some sexy products and clever commercials. The message that we learn from Apple is that everything they make is sexy and good, while other products are cheap and knock-offs.

And I have to confess they caught me on the tablet thing.

Deron Williams to the Nets

So let me get this straight, the Nets get a MUCH better player than Melo, for 2/3 of the cost. Crazy.

Can you imagine if the Knicks had gotten Williams? I seem to remember that elite PG's work out pretty well with D'Antoni...

Fun deadline. Now if only the Team that Shall Not be Named can pick up Randolph or Camby...

knowing

In the church we talk about discerning God's will for our lives. Often times we view discovering your "calling" to be the highest end of faith. You can't stop a Christian who knows what she should be doing!

This quest is a good one in many ways. After all, I don't think anyone is really going to argue that purposed, directed life is more pleasant that aimless wandering. I think that living for something bigger than yourself will ultimately trump just doing the next thing blindly till you die.

I do, however, worry that this quest to "know" is in some ways a dangerous one. It seems for me, knowing that I am pursuing my calling can leave me ill-equipped for hard times.

"But I thought knowing was supposed to make things easier?"

"Doesn't pursuing my calling mean that I am going to be taken care of physically, spiritually and economically?"

What is the good of "knowing" if knowing doesn't create a list of guarantees?

This mentality also leads me to endlessly try and interpret what circumstances mean. I am constantly trying to control my life and my God by knowing what a bad fundraising month, a great campus bible study, a broken ankle, a great date with Donan, or an agonizing fight mean. Everything has to have a larger context...right? Isn't the ability to make sense of life the whole point of being a Christian?

Actually, no.

Job was caught in the middle of an argument between God and the Devil. Did he get to know the larger context? No.

Abram endured years and years (and years) of promises from God that he would be a great nation. Why did God wait years to fulfill that promise? Because He did. Everything else is conjecture and speculation.

Jews (mostly) in the early part of the first century got to experience the glory of God in the flesh. Those born twenty years early didn't.

God's name is ultimately "I am who I am" and "I am" does what He does.

And that reality drives me crazy. I want God to answer to me. I want God to tell me why. I want him to give me divine interpretation for the times that I am in. And when he is done telling me why my life is what it is like, then I want him to go ahead a let me in how to best understand atonement, let me know if free will exists, whether or not there was a second shooter on the Grassy Knoll and whether or not debates about evolution or politics really matter.

He stubbornly refuses these requests.

Because I am not God.

He doesn't answer to me.

Or to you.

Or to Job.

Or to Abram.

Or to those who seemingly were born 20 years too early (or too late).

So what does God promise?

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34

Freedom.

I need freedom from knowing.

I need freedom expecting God to tell me why he does.

I need freedom from the belief that my value is directly related to how well I can answer questions; internally and externally.

God can provide for himself, the rest of us our dependent. That reality is either the terror we will run from and hide from for the rest of our days or the freedom that will set us free.

Oh God, I need to be free.

Hope

Lately God has been telling me to be an optimist.

This doesn't seem like the radical of a call. Most of my life I have been considered an optimist. Even when I was shy kid in Junior High with no friends, I am not sure that I was depressed. When I was in High School, while I was not really involved in anything, I was mostly content and occasionally happy. In college, I actually chose to hope and believe that Jesus might really not be dead. he decision put me on the path of making other optimistic choices; going to China, dating Donan, bringing up my faith life to friends and eventually going on staff with InterVarsity.

However, faced with harsh realities in life I have grown less optimistic, less childlike and ultimately, more practical.

My mind reverberates with phrases like; "realistic goals" and "incremental changes". I have even had people at my church tell that I have grown up. Their evidence? That I don't talk about changing the world as much anymore and I seem more grounded.

How do you pray grounded prayers? How can a grounded person believe in foolishness like resurrection from the dead? How can groundedness and transformation co-exist?

My groundedness is born from my deeply held desire to no taste disappointment. Too often I have watched people I love make poor choices. Too often I have believed that I have been "fixed" only to struggle again. Too often I believed in a miracle that God has chosen not to perform (at least not how I hoped He would).

So day by day, year by year my life becomes less audacious and more practical. Practicality becomes a vice grip on my lungs and I learn to breathe shallowly.

And ultimately, God becomes smaller and smaller.

So now, God is asking me to learn how to hope again. The image God has given me? A balloon.

I have become taken with the image a balloon being released from a child's hand and floating up, up and away. A balloon, completely subject to the wind has become the rallying image for my heart.

I want to fly far from the ground. I want to believe in a God who can do the impossible. I want to live an impossible life. I want to live in a disappointing world with counter-cultural, ballsy optimism. I want optimism to become as much of a spiritual discipline as praying or reading the Bible.

So I am trying to re-learn hope. I am asking God to teach me the ways of hope. I know that hope will often leave a person looking foolish and naive, but what do I have to lose?

After all, I already believe that a dead guy didn't stay dead.

24 Hour Prayer Tent: October 1, 2010

Our tent was on the Glen Terrell Mall and open from midnight to midnight. Over 35 students and staff attended the tent. InterVarsity partnered with campus chapters of International Justice Mission and World Vision ACT:s as well as other campus ministries. Because of this amazing partnership, we had two people pray almost every hour for 24 hours!

Highlights of Comments in Prayer Tent Guest book

• So excited to see God's people present and not afraid to pray. Let's pray big prayers, for God to do big things, with strong belief in their fulfillment.
• God is powerful and good. It is good to be in fellowship with other believers.
• Lord, I pray to heal the sick and the suffering. Make use of your servants to solve the injustices and do your word. You are the Almighty and I cry out to you to end what troubles my heart.
• Thank you for doing this. God knowns the world could always use a little more prayer and divine assistance.
• It is awesome that you guys are raising awareness of these things and that you give people an opportunity to pray on campus for something that is so important.
• Favorite scripture passage, "Jesus wept." We know the problems of injustice firsthand. His compassion and love can guide any movement for justice.
• To really experience life to the fullest we must STOP the thing that are wrong in our lives. Take a good look around, ask God to BREAK our hearts and begin to change the wrongs in the world.
• I feel compelled to follow and be where God wants me to be. Helping those who have experienced so much pain and suffering.
• Prayer tent is the best tent on campus.
• We had a guy come to talk with us. He said he felt lead to come here tonight. It was interested because we had just finished praying that someone would come in. We prayed with him and it was a great interaction.
• We talked to a professor for almost an hour. One of the things we talked about was community and quiet and how technology limits our ability to have both. He was very interesting to talk to-- he said he had come to be at the university because he liked discussion and questioning of the academic world. He said he was disappointed at the lack of discussion here.
• We need to serve God on His terms, not ours. If he tells us to go, we should go. He will always take care of us so we shouldn't be afraid to follow God. And, prayer tents are awesome!

christian consumerism

JESUS IS LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if you know this is true press like. :) on ♥

This is a link that I saw on Facebook yesterday. Many of my friends posted it and thus it ended up on my profile a few times.

I find myself hesitant to "like" it.

It may be my rebellious nature, but I am hesitant to "like" Christian statements...even ones that I agree with like the one above. I think that I feel pressured, which I don't like very much. I also feel like this mouse click becomes the determiner of whether or not I am Christian or love Jesus. Isn't the Christian life supposed to be about a lot more than facebook statuses or liking or disliking statements? Isn't a worldview that has been dangerous enough to get people killed consistently for 2000 years something that cannot be captured in a single line?

I was curious enough about this particular status to click the the heart button though.

What I found was a page that ranking the number of "likes" various statements had achieved. "Jesus is Lord" was along side statements about being "badass" or various "this person is hotter than this person" ideas. And what else was on that page...ads. Ads equal revenue on the web.

So what I realized was that liking "Jesus is Lord" really meant giving money to some organization that Facebook has reported is phishing and installing malware on people's computers.

I have no beef with saying "Jesus is Lord". Saying so in the 1st century was actively affirming Jesus over Ceaser. This is a statement that is dripping in revolution and power. It just makes me sad that this statement is now used to target Christians for computer hacking and financial gain. I think Christians (myself included!) are so ready to affirm what we believe in words, that we can feel like we are not faithful or bold if we are hesitant to agree with every Christian statement or email that comes our way.

I believe that we affirm or deny Jesus' Lordship in how we live. Having more "likes" than someone else, or find 1,000,000 Christians doesn't really further Jesus' Kingdom. How we love others does. How we serve others does. Introducing people to Jesus they haven't met with scripture study does.

I will gladly be used by somebody, if that will show the sacrificial love of Jesus, but not so that some company can make a few bucks.